A vegan who recently ate an entire bag of records has confirmed what we all expected by revealing that vegan friendly vinyl tastes like shit.
Patrice Hollahan, claimed that he is “so disenfranchised with the food industry” that he has now stopped eating food altogether.
“The food industry is such a toxic cesspit,” Patrice told Wunderground earlier. “Anyone who’s ever watched a Netflix documentary can see that. Honestly, I don’t know how any of you food eaters can live with yourself. It’s an utter disgrace and I just can’t sit by and watch anymore.”
“From now on, I’ve decided that no food is good enough for my ridiculously high standards so I’m going to abstain from food altogether and get all of my nourishment from other, less harmful, sources,” continued the vegan. “As long as I know there was no animals or plants harmed making it, I’ll be eating it, regardless of whether it tastes nice or not.”
“I’ve always liked eating round things out of bags, so for my very first ultra safe meal, I’ve had a big bag of records,” claimed Patrice, who legally changed his name from Patrick after discovering that St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. “They taste nothing like crisps, which I was really hoping they would, but I still ate all of them, even though they tasted like shit.”
“I’ll be honest with you, I’m not feeling too great after eating them,” he said with a hint of panic in his eye. “If what feels like’s happening in my stomach now is anything to go by, I’m really not looking forward to going to the toilet later on.”