The friendship you have just struck up with the person you met at a house party is likely to last almost the exact same time as the bag of coke they are holding, it has emerged.
According to official sources, most friendships started while bonding over drugs rarely last beyond the length of time it takes to consume the drugs, with lots of them falling by the wayside just minutes after they begin.
“It’s very rare that these type of friendships go anywhere,” claimed Calvin Harris, the world’s leading authority on having no friends. “Most of the time, the coke is an initial piece of common ground and, depending on how big the bag is, it can often be used as an ice breaker to kick the friendship off.”
“But once the original olive branch has been offered, most of these potential friendships are over within minutes,” continued Mr Harris. “Usually, the offer of coke will only be made once or maybe twice, in some instances one half of the friendship will pick up on this quickly and move on, hoping to form other friendships as the night goes on.”
“However, some people may choose to hang around for the entire duration of the bag, hoping there is another offer made before it runs out,” claimed Harris, who has been constantly sharing an “extra large” bag of coke with his one and only friend for almost twelve years now.
“Ninety nine percent of the time, once the bag is gone, the friendship is over. Unless of course a phone call is made to buy more drugs, which could see the friendship last long into the next day.”
Experts claim that around one out every hundred friendships formed over a bump go on to result in an actual friendship, while a further five out of every hundred result in a one night stand or some sort of sexual activity.