Some wanker with a guitar at the party is about to start playing Wonderwall for the tenth poxy time tonight, claim reports.
The wanker in question, 19-year-old Arts student Ryan Chambers is blissfully unaware of how much of a predictable, cretinous dickbag he’s being, according to witness statements, which further claim that he doesn’t realise that his pisspoor rendition of Oasis’s least likable tune is turning the party into a disgusting exercise in futility for all those present.
“I don’t know what that wanker was thinking,” claimed party host Maria Cummins. “The last thing anyone wants in that situation is some thoughtful minstrel depressingly playing Bright Eyes, or a bowl haircutted lad’s lad who never got over Britpop, playing Wonderwall ten times.”
“He could be Jesus Christ playing a duet with Buddha entitled ‘The Meaning of Life’ and I still wouldn’t want to listen to it while off my tits on pills.”
“I had misgivings when I saw someone reaching for the guitar in the living room,” continued another witness, Jessica Allen. “I mean we had the decks set up in the kitchen so there was absolutely no need for anyone to play guitar music, unless of course, you’re Ryan and are so terrified of being found out as a personality-vacuum that you feel you have to play guitar for people to like you.”
“I had just taken a half an E and it was starting to kick in,” continued Jessica. “I’m not anti-guitar music or anything. I love it, but it’s just that there’s a time and place for it. Like when jamming with your friends over a few drinks, or when a guy plays a song for you and you know it’s only to get into your pants, but you let him anyway and he has strong hands and a nice dick. Those times are fine but right in the middle of a party when everyone is off their heads is not.”
“Plus I also like my guitarists to have a modicum of talent and not be unoriginal stereotypical, drone-wankers who alternate between playing Oasis and Oasis again,” she added. “I’d like to slip inside the eye of his mind and give him a stern talking to with a hammer to his fretting hand.”
The report concludes by pointing out that if you are a budding guitarist and feel inclined to play Wonderwall at a party that you should go into the nearest toilet and punch yourself in the face repeatedly with your fist until your fingers are to sore to fret chords and your mouth is too fat to sing.
