A report published today by the Institute of Drugs Research has made the groundbreaking declaration that ordinary tap or even river water is “great for swallowing drugs”.
The conclusion was made after a series of tests seen ten testees swallowing drugs with various liquids, including water, milk and semen. One testee claimed that she “liked the taste of the semen” but that swallowing drugs with water was “just like a normal swallow” and that she would be taking “way more drugs” after these test results.
Peter Cink, head of research, explained why water is so effective when taking drugs, “Well you’re already 80% water so you’ve actually got enough of it in there to throw some drugs in to dilute it out a bit, but sneak them in, using water. That way your body wont even know there’s drugs in your swallow.”
The report claims that using water to swallow your drugs is far superior and faster acting than conventional methods such as “nailing them with a slug of whiskey, chewing them with unleavened bread” or “popping them up your rectum”.
“Fill a glass full with water, take the drug in your hand, pop it into your mouth, drink a mouthful of water and swallow. Then bang, you’ve just taken drugs. Easy,” claimed Mr. Cink. “We’re revolutionising drug taking and keeping people hydrated. So in a way the more dugs you take the healthier you’ll be.”
The report says that this radical new method of taking drugs is actually suitable for any number of drugs, “well obviously it’s great for ecstasy, but it’s also a fantastic way to take valium for when you’re trying to catch some sleep on the comedown,” continued Mr. Cink, “although we would advise all drug users to exercise caution after a lump of hash became lodged in one of our testee’s throats.”
