A well endowed DJ has abandoned plans on releasing his latest 12” single after becoming uncomfortable with the similarity between the length of the disk and his own over-sized gentialia.
32-year-old Alex Noonan, a producer, DJ and expert on penis chafe, has trouble releasing on the large format as it serves to remind him of the embarrassment he suffers having a penis that’s visible through his jeans at thirty paces.
“Every time someone says they can’t wait for my new 12” my thoughts go straight to one place, I always feel vaguely dirty or violated,” he explained. “I imagine them taking a long glance down my body and lingering on my crotch. Perhaps appraising my willy with a smirk or recoiling from it with a look that says if you got it inside you it’d puncture the back wall.”
Other things that make Alex feel uncomfortable include foot long Subways, rulers and baby’s arms holding an apple.
“Some men would think that having a 12” penis would be a blessing and would use every opportunity to bring it up in conversation or get it out at parties but not me,” he wept, “it’s been more of a burden, I can’t use public pools for fear I’ll turn around suddenly and smack a man across the leg, or child across the face with it.”
“I’ve given it a name, to try and remove the power that is has over me, I call it Terry the willy,” he explained. “That seems to do the trick sometimes but then it dips into the water of the toilet bowl when I’m taking a dump and all the embarrassment comes rushing back.”
Alex plans now to release only 7” singles because it won’t remind him of “awkward sexual encounters during which women become terrified and/or impressed”.
