A report published by the NHS earlier this week has left many parents in the south of England in a state of fear as it was revealed that white people with dreadlocks have overtaken chlamydia as the most common disease in Cornwall.
The rising numbers of racially appropriating charlatans, who pretend to live an agrarian or beachcomber lifestyle but in actuality work in pubs and stay at their parents second homes rent free, has been a concern for some time in locations such as Newquay and Mousehole, but many locals claim they did not realise the scale of the problem until now.
We spoke to Laurence Pepplethwaite, a local father of five, to find out more about growing concerns in the region, “Yes we’re really quite worried for the children at this stage. My oldest is fifteen so he’s just started chugging White Ace and fingering portly girls down by the groins to the sounds of Bobby Valentino.” Mr Pepplethwaite explained as he tried to rob the condom machine in his local pub.
It’s only a matter of time before he’ll need to start pretending he’s deep and spiritual so he can actually get his end away.” Continued Mr Pepplethwaite with a gregarious use of hand diagrams.
“And that’s when it’ll happen. The disease will get him. I’ve seen it in so many of the youth ‘round here. One minute you’re perfectly happy getting pissed on Reef and listening to Pitbull ft. Ke$ha’s pop classic Timber, then, suddenly, you’re dreadlocked, smoking ganja and listening to dub whilst trying to convince innocent girls you make an actual living fire juggling.”
“Well that’s not happening to my children I can assure you. I’ve got them shaving their heads every morning come rain or shine and I’ve bought them all Apple brand headphones which, as we all know, have fuck all bass frequency in them. This means that dub music is gonna sound shitter than someone throwing an empty soup tin down an iron stairwell. We’ve got to keep our kids safe whatever it takes.”
