“Whooomph There It Is” Officially Banned From All Nightclubs


The cretinous dance floor chant “whooomph there it is” has been officially banned from all of the world’s nightclubs, it has been revealed.

The phrase, first used by a member of Christopher Columbus’s crew when they came within sight of the new world, has become popular with inexperienced clubbers in recent years and has been the cause of much anguish among actual fans of music.

The decision to ban the phrase was made last week by the International Association of Nightclubs and is set to come into action at 12.00am GMT next Friday.

The announcement is music to the ears of genuine clubbers – with many planning on earnestly celebrating it this weekend.

“It’s about bloody time they got rid of that poxy chant at nightclubs,” claimed 25-year-old clubber Andy Barnes. “There’s nothing worse than being in a club and getting into the music only for some preppy little puddle of piss to completely ruin your vibes by shouting ‘whooomph there it is’ from the back of the dance floor.”

“I’ve often had to restrain myself from hunting them down and smashing them in the face with a glass full of my own spittle,” admitted Mr. Barnes. “But once somebody shouts it it doesn’t take long for every other muppet in the place to join in so it would be pretty much impossible to tell which top knot wearing, vomitus cretin started it. It’s even worse when the DJ starts it, as far as I’m concerned any DJ who needs to stoop so low to generate a buzz at their show deserves death by paper cut and lemon juice.”

According to Daniel Spears, a spokesperson for the International Association of Nightclubs, the group are set to target a number of other phrases and chants currently being used to ruin peoples’ nightclub experiences.

“We’re delighted to finally be rid of ‘whoomph there it is,’” explained Mr. Spears, “but that just the start of it. We’re hoping to have eliminated all nightclub chants in the next five years.”

“Next on the list is ‘the roof, the roof, the roof is on fire,” continued Mr Spears. “We’ve made it our priority after numerous people were wounded in a nightclub fire in India where the roof actually went on fire and people ignored the warning shouts because they thought they were nothing more than a bit of harmless fun.”

Reports from the clubbing industry suggest that anyone who is caught shouting “whooomph there it is” in a nightclub after next Friday will be banned from all clubs, apart from the ones that play EDM, where behaving vaguely annoying is actively encouraged.


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“Whooomph There It Is” Officially Banned From All Nightclubs

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