An English man has been hospitalised after making the fatal error of telling his girlfriend her “ass looks phat in those jeans”.
David Martin, a hip-hop DJ from Brighton who considers Tim Westwood his “inspiration” and the source of his faux West Indies accent, is said to be in a stable but severely traumatised condition.
According to friends Mr Martin is “always trying to sound really cool and urban” by using phrases like “init bruv, yeah cuz and phat” but admitted that he usually just sounds like a “character from a bad BBC drama about teenage gangs in London’s inner city”.
“We’re really hoping that this is the wake up call Peter needed to stop him making such a dick out of himself,” claimed Alan Parkinson, a close friend of Mr. Martin.
“He’s been acting like a total tool for the last fifteen years,” he continued. “He says things like ‘phat’ all the time. We always knew it would get him into trouble some day but we never thought he would be assaulted by Gina. They’ve been together for eight years.”
“Everyone knows that phat with a ‘ph’ means something is cool but I guess that doesn’t always translate so well through speech,” explained Mr. Parkinson. “Gina must have thought he said said fat with an ‘f’ and just totally lost the plot. Whatever happened it was an amateur mistake no woman wants to hear her ass looks fat or phat, he should have just said something normal like ‘you look lovely sweetheart’ or ‘of course I’m listening’ or even ‘no I don’t resent our kids for destroying your fanny’, you know, stock girlfriend responses.”
“Anyway I just hope he can make a full recovery. Apparently it took the doctors three hours to remove the hairbrush,” he concluded while trying to conceal a smile.
While dotors were unwilling to reveal the extent of Mr. Martin’s injuries due to doctor-patient confidentiality laws, an anonymous source from within the hospital has revealed that a man was admitted yesterday with “a hairbrush shoved up his arse, bristles end first” and that the hairbrush was eventually removed after “everyone had had a good laugh at it and three hours of surgery”.
