Tonight’s World Cup Final is set to disrupt thousands of men’s Sunday comedown routine of eating pizza, wanking and drinking themselves to sleep.
An evening kick off has ensured that the climax of world football will wreak havoc with what has been widely considered by millions of men around the world as the prefect remedy to a weekend’s partying – eating, sleeping and wanking.
Stephen Nugent, who went out on Friday night and only got home early Sunday morning, spoke to Wunderground about the upcoming match, “I don’t know what I’m going to with this bloody match on, I got in this morning and fell asleep for a few hours so I know I’m going to be awake until at least eleven o’clock now and that’s right around the time the football is on.”
“Usually I’d spend a few hours trying to wank, get really tired and order a pizza to help get my strength back up,” claimed the self confessed emotional wreck. “Then I’d get a few cans in and go back to the wanking, it’s not easy trying to bust a nut after a weekend’s sessioning so that would usually tie me up for the night,” he continued.
“Depending on the outcome of the hours of wanking I might even shed a tear or two but I don’t really want to get into that at the moment,” he vulnerably added. “All that wanking, eating and drinking usually ensures I get to sleep handy enough and I’m well rested and on time for work in the morning,” continued Mr. Nugent. “It’s a tried and tested technique for come down recovery.”
“But with the football on tonight I just don’t know what I’m going to do,” he admitted honestly. “I’ve invested far too much time in this World Cup to simply just not watch the match. To be honest the eating pizza and drinking isn’t the problem, I can still do that, but everyone knows it’s all about the wanking.”
“I was thinking about wanking during the football but, even with all the hot women the television cameras will focus on, I think that would kind of make me gay so it’s a definite no goer,” continued Mr. Nugent. “I just don’t know what I’m going to do. Why do Sundays have to be so fucking hard, literally and figuratively?” he asked.
Experts around the world are predicting a record number of men calling in sick to work tomorrow, with many men seeing no alternative but to “treat Sunday like a Saturday” by continuing to party while watching the football and “dedicating Monday to eating pizza, wanking and drinking”.
