An ancient manuscript, believed to have been written by the infamous sixteenth century prophet Nostradamus, was discovered in a concealed compartment in wine cellar in Paris’s Latin Quarter earlier today.
While the manuscript has yet to be verified or accurately deciphered, a number of local experts have claimed that the manuscript is “completely legitimate” and “definitely written by Nostradamus”.
“It’s one hundred percent a genuine Nostradamus,” claimed antiquarian Pierre Renaud. “There are some really revealing features in the handwriting that confirm the manuscript’s legitimacy. I think the question we should be asking about this find is not ‘is it real?’ but ‘what does it say?’, the answer to which could have a tremendous effect on the planet and the future of the human race.”
“If you look at the third page, there’s a passage where the author talks about different types of birds flying to different, warmer places to spend the winter in a better climate,” continued Mr Renaud. “Now, to the untrained eye, this may seem like a simple observation of nature but, to an extremely well educated and humble intellect like myself, it’s clearly a prediction of war and the end of the world as we know it.”
“The different species of birds are a definite metaphor for music genres,” explained Mr Renaud, who claimed his interpretation of the manuscript was accurate “just because”. “And the imagery of these birds flying to different parts of the world clearly represents invading forces in countries around the globe. What we’re looking at here is World War 3, caused by musical genres. The most terrifying thing is that it may have already begun, just look for any comment on YouTube that says Steve Aoki makes progressive house and you’ll see how volatile the situation has become.”
According to the man on the street, music genres were the last thing he expected to be the catalyst to a terrible and immediate war.
“Ah would you go away out of that,” claimed Irishman Mick Collins. “A war, started by music genres? That’ll never happen, will it? I mean it could happen. I’ll admit I do get slightly annoyed everytime someone calls U2 British or mixes up reggae and ska but I’d only ever want to hit them over it, not start a bloody war.”
“I always thought it would’ve been the Brits or the Yanks that started World War 3. You know, by going to war in different places around the world like Iraq or Afghanistan the way they did a few years ago,” continued Collins. “I never thought it would be music genres, did the Arabs claim to have invented country and western or something? I don’t know, the world’s gone bleedin’ mad.”
Other predictions made in the manuscript include; “an insufferable dickhead with a terrible wig” being named president of the United States of America, the entire world being ruled by a “small group of rich scumbags” and a member of the French bourgeois with long, flowing, golden hair completely ruining dance music for everyone.
