Scientists at Cern in Geneva have today announced a breakthrough in the creation of a force field after one was observed occurring naturally in a nightclub where a bunch of middle aged women danced around their handbags.
A spokesperson for Cern, Dr. Brian Thomson, said he made the discovery when he was unwittingly dragged along to a friend’s 40th birthday party.
“I had been at home playing Starcraft and debating having a wank when the phone rang and my mate James invited me to this 40th where he said there’d be loads of horny cougars,” he explained. “I said fuck it, I’ll forgo the wank and head to the 40th.”
James claims that he arrived at the 40th with everything in full swing and the dance floor filled with 45-year-old women dancing in perfect circles.
“I couldn’t believe my luck, some of them were hot and even gathered in what I thought were discreet, easy to approach circles,” he added. “The circles were perfectly formed.”
James says that, after having had a whiskey and a cheeky toot, he decided to approach one of the women.
“I walked up, ready to dance into the middle of the circle, bust out a few moves and then score whichever one was the most impressed and/or desperate,” he explained. “But when I attempted to walk into the group I physically couldn’t.”
“There was some kind of force holding me back and preventing me from entering the circle,” he continued. “And it wasn’t just the sharp elbows, dagger glances and tossed heads that excluded me, there was an actual physical, yet invisible, force field preventing me from entering.”
“No matter how hard I tried to force my way in, with a shoulder or a bat, I just couldn’t penetrate the circle,” added James. “I suspect it had something to do with the layout of the women, the handbags, the cheesiness of the tunes (Bryan Adams Summer of 69) and the sheer, mental force that they exhibit when they don’t want their girls’ night out disturbed.”
James says he is now working in the lab at Cern daily with a group of loud, drunk women to see if the force field has commercial and military applications.
“We got one group to dance around a tank and fired a rocket into them,” he described. “It just bounced back off nothing while the girls cackled and the rocket exploded harmlessly into a nearby school, killing seventy.”
