A young Movember participant is reportedly “massively insecure” about his inability to grow a moustache to raise money for the popular charity which promotes awareness of prostate cancer in men.
“Everyone else was signing up to take part,” explained young designer Simon Kingston. “And even though I struggle to grow hair on my face, chest and crotch, I thought that over the course of the month I easily could manage at least a thin, effeminate moustache. But so far I’ve been wrong.”
“I’ve always been a late bloomer,” claimed Simon. “I didn’t grow pubic hair until I was fifteen and even then it was sparse and girlish. Even with women I’ve been a slow starter. I didn’t feel a boob, besides my Mom’s, until I was in college. But I didn’t think that I’d still be trailing everybody else in my twenties. I’ve had penetrative sex with over four women and been fully pubic for the last ten years but it all counts for nothing.”
After failing for several weeks to grow a moustache Simon then decided that his next course of action would be to try to promote hair growth using a variety of methods that he researched.
“I’ve tested all sorts of home remedies but none of them have worked,” explained Simon. “I’ve tried talking to my hair like bewildered old people talk to plants to make them grow but nothing has happened, which either means that the theory is bullshit or my facial hair doesn’t respond to the name ‘Little Billy Beard.'”
“I’ve even taken to combing it several times a day but people keep laughing at me on public transport,” continued Simon. “I suppose, in hindsight, I should have known that rubbing your own piss into your face would only leave you with your own smelly piss smeared across your face and not induce hair follicles to magically sprout,” he bemoaned,” but I was desperate and the science behind it, while patently false, could conceivably be true.”
Friends of Simon’s have claimed they will not donate any money to his Movember page unless his moustache is of an acceptable length. “I’m not expecting miracles,” insisted Simon’s friend, James. “I know he’s no Tom Selleck so I won’t be judging his moustache on those terms. If he can have more hair than say, a normal sixteen year old or eighty year old woman, then I’ll sponsor him happily.”
“Frankly it’s not even about Movember anymore, it’s about my abilities as a man,” outlined Simon. “I don’t want to cheat but I have entertained the idea of somehow faking facial hair. I don’t want to get into the specifics because I still might do it but it involves a handful of man pubes, some glue and a whole lot of guts.”
“That’s at the extreme end of possible scenarios but I genuinely don’t know what else there is I can do to grow this damned thing, short of getting hair implants like Wayne Rooney,” lamented Simon. “What’s the use? Maybe I should just give up this pathetic charade, tape back my penis, pop some estrogen pills, slap on some eyeliner and just be a woman. I’m obviously a failure as a man.”
We’ll have more on Simon’s heartbreaking story as it grows. Or doesn’t.
