A report published today claims that most young people now receive the vast majority of their exercise by dancing at all night raves.
“In the increasingly sedentary work environment of most young people it’s difficult for them to fit in a healthy amount of exercise,” claimed the report. “Before everyone worked at desks they’d get plenty of exercise from ploughing fields or working on assembly lines. Now we have machines for those jobs over 70% of the jobs held by the current generation are based on doing some sort of social media at a computer all day.”
“Dancing at raves, snorting cocaine and banging pills are all extremely good for keeping the weight off,” continued the report. “You could lose more weight at a drug fueled festival than you would in over a week of running on a treadmill and staring at a wall while you slowly wish for death.”
Some young people have been doing extreme dieting by spending an entire summer on Balearic party island Ibiza surviving on a diet of ecstasy and ketamine or upping sticks to Berlin for some intensive techno exercise in Berghain and Watergate.
“We all know gyms are boring, sweaty prat-holes where ostentatiously muscled semi-retards can exercise to the horrible sounds of banging commercial dance music while looking at themselves in the mirror and drinking Creatine in their fat meaty hands,” claimed self confessed techno dieter Andrew Maher. “At least with the techno diet you don’t have to become a gym rat to lose weight and can have more fun safe in the knowledge that a steady intake of drugs and alcohol means you can eat whatever you want and still maintain a junkie chic physique.”
The techno diet is recommended by doctors everywhere as the healthiest and most fun way to maintain that healthy, emaciated “I’ve not eaten in three days” beach body but doctors insist that “any form of banging electronic music will help a person lose weight with drum and bass being the most effective thanks to its high BPM”.
Image: Vice UK
