It has been sensationally revealed to Wunderground that all DJs are secretly receiving instructions through their headphones while they’re mixing.

Our source claims that a team of highly trained sound engineers in a secret underground bunker relay instructions through the headphones which tell the DJs exactly what to do at all times during their sets.

“No-one is actually a DJ,” explained whistle blower Ben Yorke, who claims he was recruited straight out a Music Technology course to work as a ‘puppeteer’ for some of the world’s most well known DJs like Maya Jane Coles, seen here receiving instructions to ‘twiddle the knobs a bit’. “There’s always someone like me on the other end of the headphone telling the DJ exactly what to do and when to do it.”

“Have you ever noticed when you hear a mistake during a set that the DJ will panic and quickly put an ear to the headphone?” continued Ben. “That’s them quickly getting instructions on how to fix the mistake.”

Ben explained that a typical set for him involves talking the DJ through how to use the mixing desk and reaffirming a promise of riches and fame if they “stay onside” with the conspiracy. “I’ll talk to the DJ once they put the headphones on and, like air traffic control, I’ll guide them safely through the set.”

“I might say something like speed up track 1 or adjust the bass,” explained Ben. “Or I’ll say do a fist bump here, adjust the mid on track 2, things like that.”

Ben said that things have rammed up in recent years to the point where puppeteers like him are telling DJs to interact with the crowd. “I actually invented the heart-hands gesture back in 05. I was guiding Armin Van Buuren through a set in New York when we first used it,” he explained.

“I always thought it was a bit gay, but I just wanted to see if he’d do it because I was quite bored with the set,” claimed Ben. “You’ll usually see DJs doing it because they’re playing quite boring EDM stuff and the puppeteer at the other end of the headphones has decided to just muck about by making them do stupid stuff like heart hands or blow kisses.”

“DJs are just pretty faces that a shadowy international conglomerate of dance music industry heads uses as stooges,” continued Ben who claims he is now in fear for his life. “They do it to keep dance music sounding the way they want it, the way that makes them money. If DJs started playing different genres or doing unsanctioned reggae mixes then those at the top wouldn’t be able to control everything.”

A terrified Ben said he doesn’t know who exactly is behind the conspiracy as he’s only ever met other puppeteers like himself who all used codenames and were contacted through a handler whose identity was also hidden, but that he suspects all the big companies are involved.

“This goes all the way to the top,” he cried. “Beatport, SFX, Native Instruments, they’re all in on it! They control all dance music and want to keep it that way by controlling what DJs play. The world needs to know!”

Ben says that he wants to blow the lid on it because he’s “become bored with dance music” and also because he feels that the shadow masters are starting to control too much of DJs lives, detailing how “all DJs who don’t use headphones have forgone independent thought and have had a microchip embedded into their heads that allows for a constant relay of instructions to be delivered to them about how to carry him or herself through every aspect of their lives.”

Before Ben had to be whisked to a safe house at an undisclosed location he warned all up and coming DJs to be extremely careful of what headphones they use and to play what they want to play, not what they’re told to.

  • http://wundergroundmusic.com/members/mihajlo_skazzak_stojiljkovic/ Mihajlo Sk’aZzak Stojiljkovic

    I don`t use headphones :) i am playing not DJing :)

  • Bebop

    This is by far the most bullshit article i’ve ever seen, because literally it’s harder to do this, than mixing.

    • Jeroen Kolkman

      I was thinking the same thing XD
      As a dj you need to be on top of the mix not waiting for instructions.
      God damn i would never let anybody tell me in a 2 hours set for example what i have to do.
      But like you said, what a load of bull.
      Fake wistleblower i say

      • Rob Matson

        haha… funny shit

    • MaslowK

      Lol dude, look at some of the other headlines on these articles here;

      “Paternity Test Confirms Rupert Murdoch Is Satan’s Lovechild”, “Thousands Of Pairs Of Skinny Jeans Are Suffering Malnourishment”, etc. Now I could be wrong, but i’m preeetty sure this is a satire site :p

    • CDClock

      the fact that some people are taking this seriously sort of scares me

  • the1whoknowseverything

    what a shit website, total waste of time, building it… servicing it….. looking at it!!!

    • Joey Žaba Sabey

      You know it’s a joke site, right? Right..?

  • Paul González

    what if you don’t understand what the engineer says? “sorry, what are you saying.. the cross-pitch what?” lol

    • Jamie DJ’Rave Shaw

      Damn i hit the up fader…. “ENGINEER, WHAT DO I DO NEXT!!”

  • Jamie DJ’Rave Shaw

    this website must be a joke. Some of the artical’s are just unbelievable. Someone has too much time on there hands!

  • Jamie DJ’Rave Shaw

    Oh…No…. There on too us O.o

  • Rob Day

    It makes me sad that the league of stupid are still allowed to access and read the fake and hilarious articles on here and take them as real facts. Keep up the good work though wunderground!

    • Bebop

      Real facts ? lol are you drunk ? first of all there’s no way in hell this is true, because it’s absurd, and the worst is that is not even creative, and is beyond stupid, pretty much like all of the content of the website, and if you gonna create a blog, do it for real information not for misleading people onto mistakes, the league of stupid is made by you, the bad guys who shoot guns in movies, and the owners of the piece of crap fake news website, that by mistake i ended up upon.

      • JohnyNow

        Seen you here before, so it’s no mistake.

      • serb

        my god you are such a communist

  • Guest

    As a seasoned dJ, I can tell you this article is article very one sided. Not all of us are receiving instructions from some Chloe O’Brian on the other end..Some of us get hungry and are directly connected to the cooks in the kitchen who let us know when the nachos and wings are 100% ready… then we drop the bass!!!

  • Marty

    As a seasoned dJ, I can tell you this article is very one sided. Not all of us are receiving instructions from some Chloe O’Brian on the other end..Some of us get hungry and are directly connected to the cooks in the kitchen who let us know when the nachos and wings are 100% ready… that’s when we drop the bass!!! ;)

  • tevii

    Im pretty sure this is a joke website guys

    • stevetierney

      Just “pretty” sure? :) :)

  • Wayne

    Hixxy even gets directions to the nearest Dominos through his

  • LIl Monkey

    bullshit, obvious you’r going to listen to your headset when you’r making a mistake, thats where you’r going to catch it and fix it. Beside you would need a transmitter between head set and these so call helpers like those of a pilot. You would also need a frequency wave which would not allow music from your mixer to go through. You fucking idiot…

    • Stoney

      I would actually call you the idiot my dear. :) maybe, re read the article? does anything not make sense? maybe look around the site a bit. Do you, Notice anything?

  • https://soundcloud.com/viciousgamemusic Vicious Game

    My favorite part of every article is to read the fools that think that they are real..and get all bent about it…

  • Sam DS

    Reading the comments on wunderground articles is almost as entertaining as reading the articles themselves. I can’t believe some people have such poor critical-reading skills that they can’t figure out from context that these articles are humorous satire. Keep up the good work wunderground.