A thirty-six-year-old man who went to a nightclub for the first time in almost five years last night, has admitted that he spent the entire night thinking about the kebab he would get on his way home.
Glen Downes, a retired mad bastard and full-time steelworker, claims that he had been looking forward to meeting up the with the “old crew” for months but soon changed his mind upon entering the nightclub.
“Fucking hell, clubbing has changed a lot in the last five years,” Downes said earlier. “Is it just me, or are people in clubs getting way younger? And what’s going on with all the phones on the dancefloor? Aren’t people even getting off their tits anymore? It was all just a bit weird.”
“Don’t get me wrong, I still had a good night,” he continued. “It was great to catch up with all of the old crew and get out for a few drinks but as soon as we got into the club I found myself hanging around the smoking area trying to avoid the dance floor or accidentally getting myself into people’s Instagram stories.”
“I made my mind up fairly early on that I’d be stopping off for a kebab on the way home and once I’d decided on that, it was all I could think about for the rest of the night,” revealed the thirty-six-year-old. “It’s funny how your priorities change the older you get, five years ago I would have been looking for pills and chasing fanny, but now all I could think about was whether the kebab was going to be served in a pita or on naan.”
“In the end, I made my excuses and got the fuck out of there after about half an hour,” admitted Downes. “The kebab didn’t let me down either, it was top notch. None of your doner shit that I would have gone for a few years ago either, I’ve got a bit of class now so it’s chicken shish all the way. Proper melt in your mouth stuff too. If I sniff the right sleeve of my jumper, I can still smell where the sauce ran down my arm. Fucking delicious!”
“I’m going to try and arrange to do it all again next month. I’d happily spend a couple of unhappy hours in a nightclub for another delicious kebab, maybe I’ll even get some garlic chips next time too.”