A 4-year-old American boy has left his parents bitterly disappointed after he failed to become an internet DJing prodigy.
Kyle Grant, from Detroit, Michigan, was expected like every child nowadays to make a brief foray online as a child DJing prodigy where he’d stand behind some decks doing rudimentary beatmatching while EDM bloggers wrote freebie articles that drove traffic for their sites on slow news days.
All that changed when Kyle, who had been bought a set of Technics 1200s, Traktor and CDJs to train with, displayed absolutely no aptitude or interest in becoming a child internet DJ.
“I’d put him behind the decks and take out the camera but he never even looked at the decks, he’d just stand there crying saying he didn’t know what DJing was and that he wanted to go to his room. It was pathetic,” explained Kyle’s father, Brian. “I’m not angry that he’s not an internet DJing sensation like Aiden Jude but I am disappointed both for myself, and in him.”
“Obviously we’re ashamed,” he continued, “you think you’ll love your kids unconditionally but that’s just not the case when they fail to even become an internet DJ prodigy. I mean, how hard could it be? There’s a new one every day.”
“I think disown is probably too strong a word,” added Brian when asked what sort of relationship he and Kyle will have now. “We’ll probably just never speak to him again and ask him to move out of our house because we don’t agree with who he is and the choices he’s made.”
“We’re devastated basically,” continued Brian’s wife Angela, who says she struggles to even look at her son now after how badly he’s let her down. “We did everything we could, bought him decks, exposed him to all the best dance music but all he wants to do is play with a football in the backgarden and eat alphabet spaghetti on toast, he’s a fucking waste of space.”
“I have a daughter who I guess we can try groom to be a child DJ but I can’t see that happening as she is a girl,” piped Brian. “You don’t think anything your kids do could let you down but the big secret is it does, my son is a fucking disappointment and if I could go back to before he was born and wear a condom I totally would.”