Reports emerging from the electronic music industry today have confirmed that Wunderground articles are now writing themselves as the level of stupidity in the EDM DJ community reaches an all time high.
According to sources close to the website, which became sentient some time last month, its writers have had “fuck all to do” as the lives of EDM DJ’s have become far stranger than fiction in recent weeks.
“It all started a couple of weeks ago when Axwell and Ingrosso came out and said that underground music was amateur,” explained the anonymous source. “I mean you couldn’t write that shit. Those guys are basically the electronic music equivalent of Charles and Eddie and they came out calling guys like Sasha and Carl Cox amateur. At that point Wunderground started to produce its own articles without the aid of any writers.”
“Then, just when it looked like things were getting back to normal and the writers would have to start making effort to ridicule the EDM goofballs again, up stepped Simon Cowell and Steve Aoki with details of their new Ultimate DJ competition,” continued the tipster. “That’s when it became clear that the writers were no longer needed, nothing they could produce would make these guys look any worse than their own stupidity and the site continued to write itself.”
“Since then it’s been nothing but stupid EDM DJs putting their big stupid feet in their mouths. We’ve had David Guetta say using USBs was old school, Diplo retiring Diplo because he thinks he’s a prick and Steve Angello claiming EDM is rubbish,” continued the source. “What’s next? Martin Garrix saying he’s the reincarnated son of god, Avicii pretending to be human or Calvin Harris claiming to have a personality, who knows how stupid these guys are going to get.”
Reports from inside Wunderground HQ indicate that the website’s writers have resorted to spitting in a bucket, throwing empty pistachio nut shells into a shoe and counting each other’s hair to pass the time until EDM DJs stop being stupid and give them some work to do.
“It’s quite sad really,” explained the unnamed source. “Making up shit about EDM DJs was all those guys had but with the DJs now being far more stupid in real life than in their articles they’ve got nothing, they’re like a fifth wheel on a car or a Victoria’s Secret catalog in a porn collection, there’s just no need for them anymore.”
“At this rate they’ll be lucky to be in a job by the end of the summer,” he admitted remorsefully. “It would be sad to see them go if it wasn’t so much fun laughing at the real life capers of these cheesy EDM douche bags.”
Unconfirmed reports suggest that the Wunderground writers are to ditch their writing careers and form an EDM super group called Dublin Apartment Gang, who will take the EDM world by storm with novelty cat costumes and onstage antics, including doughnut fights, knife juggling and mild masturbation.