We’ve all been there, you owe your dealer for a bag you bought in the spur of the moment last weekend and, for whatever reason, you don’t have the reddies to cough up until pay day. To avoid feeling his or her wrath we’ve come up with the top five excuses for your financial shortcomings.
1 My dog ate my wallet
This is a variation of the timeless classic “my dog ate my homework” excuse that everyone used at least once in their school days. This will definitely resonate with your dealer and, even though they’ll know you’re bullshitting them, you’ll activate a bit of nostalgia in their subconscious and they’ll agree to take payment at a later date.
2 I was abducted by aliens
This one will definitely involve you going off the radar for a few days. You’ll have to turn your phone and all of the lights in your house off and be prepared to spend five or six days hiding under your bed, or at least out of sight of any prying days, until you have the money. Try making some weird markings on your skin to give this excuse extra credibility.
3 Did I not pay you last week?
You’ll need balls of steel to pull this one off. This has to be done in an assertive and convincing manner or it’ll never work. You need to cast doubt into the mind of the dealer with a confident tone, once you do that you’re alright. Remember they’re taking money of people all of the time so they could well have forgotten that you already payed them. Once they start to doubt themselves you can back it up with a “maybe I didn’t mate, I could have sworn that I did, I just haven’t got it on me now” and they’ll be so happy that they haven’t miscalculated that they’ll have no problem giving you a few more days to pay up.
4 I got my foot trapped in a bear trap
This one is simply so out there that your dealer will never think you’d have the balls to make it up. You’ll need to put on a bit of a limp to pull this one off convincingly. You’ll also really need to emphasise the fact that you’ve got the money but you’re in so much pain that you simply weren’t able to hobble to the bank or atm to get it for them. If they offer to bring you to the atm tell them you’re having trouble remembering your pin because you’re suffering from temporary amnesia as a result of shock, then throw a ‘who are you again?’ in there to add legitimacy.
5 I’ve got leprosy
To properly pull this excuse off you’re going to need a bowl of Rice Crispies, some honey and a friend with some basic makeup artistry skills. You’ll need to have your friend glue the Rice Crispies to your face using the honey and add a bit of makeup until you look like a repulsive lepper. When your preparation is done you’ll need to send your dealer a picture of your horrible face on WhatsApp or Messenger with the message “Sorry mate can’t come meet you, I’ve only gone a got leprosy. You’re more than welcome to drop around, although this is highly contagious.” This is sure to buy you a bit of time until you get paid and can afford to pay them, at which point you can tell them you’ve made a miraculous recovery.
