You wake up one day and everything is different, you are sure that you’re not the person you used to be. You take a look into the mirror and in horror notice a bald man with glasses staring back at you. He’s familiar, which is comforting so you go down stairs for a quick meditate. HOLD ON A SECOND! You don’t even meditate! If this scenario sounds familiar to you, it may be possible that you have become Moby. Read on to see if you match any of the tell tale symptoms.
1 – You’re not as into eggs as you used to be.
How do you like your eggs in the morning? If you’re Moby, you no longer like your eggs in the morning or at any other time for that matter. Moby is a well known vegan and now you are too, because you are Moby.
You look around the kitchen for a bit, the beige eggs blend into your beige work top. This makes the egg a pretty difficult food to locate, especially with your new Moby glasses. Your kitchen is so beige.
There is another reason Moby doesn’t like eggs. Moby looks like an egg, how could you eat something that you now look like? Although even if Moby cannibalised any tiny, egg-shaped Mobys, there’s no way that he could be more full of himself.
2 – You get mistaken for the lead singer of REM.
“OMG, are you Michael Stipe?!” said the excited fanatic. “No, I am Moby, I am not sure who you are referring to.”
You say this although Michael Stipe is the name you have had shouted at you 3 times a day for the past twenty years. When you’re famous there is nothing more deflating to the ego than being mistaken for another celebrity.
If you hear “Everybody Hurts” sung to you one more time you may throw out this vow of peace to exact your revenge with military precision. Sadly even if you wanted to exact revenge, being Moby, your feng shui skills are not going to harm anyone unless they allow you into their house.
3 – You’ve realised that you are all made of stars.
You have released many well received hit musics and are classed as a star in your own right. One day whilst in deep meditation an epiphany hits you…what if, you yourself, Moby, are not only a star – but you are also all made of stars!
It’s hard to comprehend but people like Carl Sagan have explored these possibilities before and they were not able to come up with catchy riffs to reinforce this idea, so you are the first.
You are Moby and your crown disperses cosmic microwaves that hinder any normal persons perceptions about the universe, thanks to you, you educated the world with this message and inspired a generation.
4 – You’re a Dick.
I’m really not trying in any way to slag off you or Moby but you really are a Dick! Some of your closest friends won’t refer to you as Moby out of respect, they know you have a real name, and that real name is Richard Melville Hall.
You’re a Dick through and through and you have been since you realised that you had become Moby. You were picked on at school, people used to call you Dick. When you ran to the teachers to tattle, the bullies would say “we meant it as in Moby Dick” – to which the teacher congratulated them on attempting to tackle literature. The bullying never stopped and the only cure was to embrace being a dick and call yourself Moby.
Once you had fully embraced the Moby you were untouchable because bullying you was no longer fun. That was until you became bald at the age of 12 when the bullying immediately recommenced.
5 – Permanent Meditative State.
Now that you’re Moby, you are a deep thinker in a constant state of meditation looking for the more divine meanings in life. You constantly self reflect and look deep inside of yourself.
The only problem is that looking too deeply inside of yourself is a dangerous game, when mixed with your exquisite yoga skills it can be a sure fire way of ending up with your head up your own arse, a fate most stars never fully recover from.
Your skin is now made out of the same fabric as yoga pants and you would rather sit bent into impossible contortions than socialise with pals. The only thing you need for entertainment is meditation and deep self reflection, which if left untreated will end up with you being stuck with your head wedged in your bumhole for life.
So, are you Moby?
If you read most of this in denial thinking that “none of these things apply to me”, you’re in luck, you might still be Moby. It would be hard for Moby to comfortably admit any one of these facts. Let’s say you are Moby, is there a cure? What can you do?
Firstly I would attempt to wear a wig, then get contact lenses, shave off the goatee and wear something un-Moby-like. This should offset some of the exterior signs preventing people from approaching you thinking you’re Michael Stipe.
Internally, there is not much you can do I’m afraid, currently there are estimated to be 45,000 people in the UK alone that suffer from being Moby and until a cure is found you have to live your life hiding under a wig.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LDHMjO7UbMo
Was this supposed to be funny? It comes off as merely mean-spirited and self-indulgent.