Wanna get into some of the biggest and best clubs in Ibiza? You gotta have a ticket mate! But where can I buy a ticket you ask? Well you could follow this link here or failing that, if you’re weird and some kind of non-techy Luddite who probably should fuck off back to playing with a ball on a stick, using Windows 95 and changing the TV channel manually, then you can buy your tickets in person with cash. If you do choose to do that though, be on your guard, there are people out there waiting to rip you off and take your precious partying money. You didn’t save up all year just to have your money whipped by some scalp so here’s a handy guide to the 6 people you shouldn’t buy your Ibiza Club ticket from…
1. Ticket touts
Or as they’re alternatively known, dodgy dudes with no stake in society who just want to rip you off and piss on your holiday dreams! Don’t buy from these if you want to avoid being the top of the queue for Space only to be told ‘sorry mate your tickets a fake, you’re not getting in’ and to have to walk back the full length of the queue looking like, to use Rio Ferdinand terminology, a merk.
2. The ghost of Maggie Thatcher
Not content with stealing milk off of babies in the 80s and telling you there’s no such thing as society Thatcher now floats around the West End strip trying to sell you tickets to Steve Aoki’s night on the pretense that it’s the most cruelly capitalistic of the Ibiza calendar. Rumour has it that she can sometimes be spotted on the floor of the toilets in Es Paradis sniffing ketamine through a rolled up copy of The Daily Mail.
3. Anyone selling tickets to David Guetta’s club nights
Want to come to Senor Guetta’s Fuck Me I’m Famous party? “That depends, and I allowed to fling a concoction of piss, my own faeces and Buckfast at the stage?” Non. “Well then no thanks, unfortunately I have ears and a discerning taste in music.
4. Hans Gruber
Last seen attempting to pull off a daring heist in the Nakatomi Plaza in downtown Los Angeles, suave arch-criminal, hater of bloodied bald men in vests and amateur base jumpers, Hans “Bubby” Gruber, is one of the people you need to avoid buying tickets from during your time on the white isle. Rather than sell you a ticket he’ll more than likely take you hostage then attempt to ransom the ticket to your family while affecting an ice cool demeanor until some rough and ready hench dude in a vest spoils his plans. Yippee Ki Yay motherfucker!
5. Cigarette smoking man from The X. Files
Known to lurk around the beaches of Ibiza, chain smoking cheap cigarettes while looking vaguely portentious and making Ayn Rand sounding quotes to people. Most likely to try sell you tickets to Space Ibiza under the teasing pretense of there being proof of the existence of aliens inside only for you to be disappointed and confused…
6. Skeletor
Skeletor has been floating around outside Pacha dressed in full costume offering tickets to anyone who’ll tell him the secrets of Greyskull which he believes is located somewhere on the island.
7. Josef Fritzl
You should never be more vigilant when carrying out a ticket transaction than you are with a man as evil as even if he tells you he’s got this two room underground club night that’s super exclusive, say no!
