A damning statistic provided by the Universal Dance Music Foundation (UDMF) has confirmed that ninety nine percent of ravers are under the impression Carl Cox has “retired” from the industry, causing mass panic and hysteria within the techno scene.
With millions of ravers worldwide of the opinion Cox has called time on his profession, media outlets are being blamed for going into “overkill” about the final Music Is Revolution party, as well as Space Closing Fiesta – being accused of “tricking” readers and viewers into believing Cox has retired.
“We’ve all seen the videos on Facebook,” cried twenty four year old Lauren Francis. “Carl Cox was in tears at the end of his final set and everybody was hugging each other like they do at a funeral. He is too young to retire. He is one of the world’s best and could easily carry on for another twenty years. He is a pioneer and a major influence to anybody getting into the music scene. I hope he changes his mind.”
Wunderground spoke with Cox’s PR team to ask what their official stance is on the situation, “People are fucking stupid, but we see this as an opportunity” confirmed Peter White. “Cox is now planning a huge comeback tour in 2017, we think he could sell out arenas all over the world. Obviously he doesn’t need to ‘come back’, so to speak, as he never went away – but with thousands believing he has retired, we expect this tour will hit capacity and sell out in minutes.”
“We’ve also suggested to Carl that he should either announce his retirement next year, or better still fake his own death,” continued White. “Could you imagine the amount of tickets we’d sell for a ‘back from the dead’ tour? People love Carl, and Carl love’s people. We could run a brand new night in Ibiza called Carl Cox, Music is Resurrection.”
