An outspoken rock fan, who has been described by his friends as “an undiscerning mouthy prick when it comes to dance music,” has spectacularly been “put in his place” after losing a bet that he could learn how to mix within a week after claiming that it would “be a piece of piss.”
Jack Turnball, a Mumford & Sons fan who was famous among his friends as the guy who thought dance music was “just noise” and “not real music,” claimed that he made the bet to prove that beat matching and mixing wasn’t difficult enough to be considered musical performance.
“I talked a big game, I’m not going to lie. I don’t play an instrument or have any basis for comparison,” explained a contrite Jack. “I used to spout opinionated nonsense about mixing being just two records playing together and that it’d be as easy as pressing play. Twice. But, after having tried to do it myself, I can see how wrong I was.”
“Do I feel like my misplaced sense of superiority has been lubricated then handed back to me to be firmly shoved up and into my own ass?? Absolutely,” claimed Jack. “I couldn’t hold the mix for any length of time, it was like a different language.”
“I certainly won’t be doing any unimpressed tutting and complaining next time my friends enthuse about how good a mix is, let me tell you,” he added.
Jack claims that his misplaced opinion of dance music might have stemmed from ignorance on his part as to what constitutes legitimate electronic music and what is commercial tripe.
“Before I tried, and failed to learn how to beat match within a week,” continued Jack, “I used to think that most EDM stars like Steve Aoki were just charlatans who were conning gullible idiots, and I was right. But actual dance music isn’t like that at all.”
“EDM or the electro-house commercial music that is given the acronym EDM is a lot like Christianity,” explained Jack. “A giant, shit filled, obscene monolith that targets ignorant people for the purposes of making money.”
“Whereas less commercial, innovative and artistically minded dance music,” concluded Jack, “is like the ideas expressed by Christ before they were appropriated and bastardised by a money hungry bureaucracy. They’ve essentially taken a vibrant culture and prostituted it for money, just like Catholicism.”
