A cocky young cocaine user is reportedly devastated after being ostracised by his peers following a mishap which saw him sneeze “like a girl” after snorting some cocaine.
The shocking incident, which according to reports left people doubting sneezer Ian Chambers “capabilities as both a man and person”, took place at a rather sedate post-clubbing after party which the right-wing, conservative press have dubbed “a debauched, illegal drug-hole”.
While no-one is believed to have been harmed by the “exceptionally womanly sneeze” one man claimed that some snot spray hit him square in the beard and another man, who wishes to remain unnamed, became mildly aroused after mistaking the squealing sneeze for the sound of an “orgasming woman.”
“Well he just snorted the the line up like normal,” explained party host, James Carlisle. “Then suddenly his face bunched up and he sneezed all over everything in the most high pitched, lady like squeal.”
“He blew the remaining lines off the table,” continued James, “which didn’t win him any friends. Leaving the table covered in disgusting snot didn’t help either. I immediately asked him to leave and set about trying to forget about how much he had embarrassed himself and set his very gender into doubt by coquettishly sneezing.”
James claimed that he was “embarrassed for Ian” and that most of the guests who witnessed his “bitch-sneeze” thought that he “obviously” lacked male fortitude and was probably secretly a “cross dresser, or a gay.”
“People think that the penis is a key indicator of masculinity but I’m not convinced that it is,” continued James. “A far more reliable way of spotting manliness is by judging the girliness of his sneeze.”
Ian, who claims that the sneeze was entirely accidental and that he “normally sneezes in a loud, blokey manner”, said that his social life has been hampered by the event and that most of his friends who were present at the party now “secretly think [he’s] probably a woman can’t take drugs properly”.
“I’ve tried everything to prove I’m not a woman, like doing unnecessary push-ups, scratching my arse in front of people or making insightful observations about football,” concluded James,” but I think at this point I might as well just accept that if I sneeze so effeminately then all my life as a man has been a pointless charade and I should just get the sex change.”
