A spokesperson for dance music culture website Resident Advisor has advised people “not to be sad about the old website” because it has now “gone to live on a nice farm in the country”.
The old website, whose soft fur and wagging tail was loved by millions, unfortunately became “old, wheezy and slow moving” in recent years resulting in Resident Advisor having no choice but to “put the old website to sleep” in the hope “that people will learn to love the new website just as much if given the chance”.
“The old website will be missed and we’re sorry to see it go,” explained RA spokesperson Harold Yeller, “but the fact of the matter is you can’t program an old website new features, as painful as that is for people to take, it’s part of the life of a website, they get old. We’ve been using the same site since 2007 which is 7 years, or 36 in website years.”
“People should be pleased that the old website’s going to a really nice, happy place where it’ll be looked after and will have people clicking on links, saving into bookmarks and scrolling down all day long,” he continued. “There’s a nice farmer who has a really slow internet connection who looks after old websites and lets them play in the long grass chasing a ball all day.”
One fan said that he was trying to maintain a stiff upper lip about the whole thing and use the passing of the old website as a learning experience about the nature of morality and life itself.
“It was the best website I ever had,” wept tearful RA user Barry204, “we had so many great times together, reading interviews, finding mixes, playing catch and barking. It’ll be tough to replace it and not have it happily running and jumping into my arms whenever I turn on the computer, but that’s all just a bittersweet memory about the inherent tragedy that is life,” he cheerily concluded.
Quite the feat, to write 333 words about two websites without linking to them even once. 😉