Dance music media has been saved from a slow news day by the death of a somewhat-known artist from the 90s.
Editors reportedly celebrated the arrival of the news, after a difficult morning in which no festivals announced lineups, no DJs begged for votes, no company released a black box with knobs, and no Ibiza club charged €48 for a drink in a way that could be stretched into content.
“We were worried for a moment,” said one editor. “But then we discovered someone important to early Detroit electro was trampled to death by an Elephant which had escaped from a luxury wellness retreat – and the whole team spring into action.”
Readers say they have grown used to the format, with most dance music websites now offering a healthy mix of death, club closures, record shop closures, festival cancellations and sponsored articles about mixers that “honour the culture” by costing £2,700.
“It’s nice to stay informed,” said one longtime reader. “Yesterday I learned a beloved selector had died, a legendary venue was shutting down, and the new generation has ruined everything. Really uplifting stuff.”
Industry analysts believe the problem stems from dance music being forced to produce 24-hour news despite fuck all really happening outside the usual releases, announcements and promo.
“Every now some overblown ego will stay up too long without eating and we’ll get a John Summit style incident, or we might get lucky and a small independent record shop in Bristol might burn down.”
“Other than that, all we can really do is hope and pray that somebody we used to idolise kicks the bucket before we leave the office for the evening.”
