A local drug dealer has gone into “full Hallmark mode” claiming that the most romantic gift that clubbers can buy for their partners this Valentine’s Day is his “specially sourced, totally fucking decent, heart shaped e’s”.
“Nothing says I love you quite like heart shaped eccies’s,” insisted local drug dealer and habitual baseball cap wearer, Mark Henry. “If you’re going to surprise your loved one with drugs this year, then make it these beautiful heart shaped pills.”
“They’re available in a range of erotic colours like red, pink and speckled,” continued Mark, “and if they buy ten, I’ll give them one for free.It’s a great gift. And if she doesn’t think so well then at least you’ll have some pills for yourself.”
“Put it this way, would you like to be uncomfortably overdressed in a crowded restaurant, drinking wine and making stilted conversation with your missus who you now resent for making you spend all of your wages,” asked Mark. “Or, would you both like to be rolling around on your sitting room floor, sweating and listening to Ben Klock while your jaw shakes?”
“That’s romance,” he added.
Mark claimed that he always makes a hefty profit by ordering in the heart shaped drugs in time for Valentine’s Day. “It’s just a great week for me because I can really take advantage of the contrived romantic spirit in the air and ratchet up the price on account of them being shaped like hearts,” explained Mark. “The great thing is, with them being drugs, if I somehow don’t sell all of them this week, there’ll still be a demand next weekend.”
“OMG, heart shaped e’s are so romantic,” gushed 24 year old hairdresser and selfie taker, Jess Carroll. “My fella bought me 15 of them last night. They were bleeding lovely, the way he had them wrapped in a cigarette paper like a little roll of love heart candy was such a nice touch, if a little bit gay.”
Jess’s boyfriend, Aaron Mallory, claimed that he “was trying something a bit different” this year when he got the idea to surprise Jess with drugs, “her favourite”. “I don’t mind saying that she’s a bit of a rough party girl,” he explained. “Last year I bought her a teddy bear and a box of chocolates, but when I gave them to her she just stubbed out her cigarette, laughed and called me a “soppy faggot.” So this year, thankfully, I was able to get her something I knew she’d love, class-A drugs.”
“Flowers and chocolates are gay and don’t get you off your nut or nothing so yeah, I think the pills were a great choice and I’ll probably blowjob his cock later when my jaw stops hopping,” concluded Jess.
