Shocking statistic released today reveal that club drug ecstasy, which hasn’t stopped being at the centre of hysterical news items since it became popular in the 80s, kills more people every year than lightning, unicorns and leprechauns combined.
The report, published by the C. S. Lewis Institute for Drug Research, indicated that each year ecstasy kills more people than “all of the mythic creatures throughout history ever have” including “werewolves, vampires and Andrew Lloyd Webber”.
“Well I think this statistic highlights the dangers of taking ecstasy,” sagely explained a scientist. “When a drug on the streets is killing more people each year than random strange events and mythic creatures then you know you’ve got a problem on your hands.”
“There are literally hundreds of people dying from ecstasy related illnesses each year,” the man in the white lab coat continued, “compared to no deaths from either unicorns or leprechauns, 54 deaths from random lightning strikes and probably about roughly the same for alcohol or tobacco,” he speculated, shaking his outstretched hand in an unsure way.
“That really is a hard pill to swallow when you consider how vicious, protective and vaguely evil leprechauns in stories can be,” continued the non-specific but trustworthy scientist. “Especially when their pot of gold is threatened. I’m frankly surprised that there are no reported deaths from leprechauns, even in Ireland – where, as you know – Americans think they live.”
“The statistics are clear,” he warned warningly, “Each time you take ecstasy you’re taking your life, which has already been in your own hands, into your own hands again, but more dangerously and with less grip.”
“You might as well kill a unicorn in a lightning storm while trying to steal a pot of gold from an angry leprechaun – it’s that dangerous.”
