A pretentious twat bored the ears off existence today when at a local gluten-free coffee shop he regaled a group of his “besties” with repeated insistence that he had been to Berlin’s premier techno nightclub and one of the world’s biggest clubbing destinations, Berghain.
With a smugly contented half grin, Joshua Travers, a 27 year old ceramic artist who is described by friends as “really good at being relevant”, replied to a query by an acquaintance asking whether he had ever experienced the famously hedonistic German nightclub, with a “posh scoff” before pointing languidly at his chest and insisting, “Yes, of course I’ve been to Berghain”.
“I’ve been about 7 times now,” bragged Joshua apropos of nothing. “I first went in 2005 just after it opened when most people weren’t even aware of it. It was much better then.”
“It’s still good now don’t get me wrong, but something about it isn’t the same with all the foreign tourists,” added Joshua the foreign tourist without irony.
Joshua continued boasting to his group of friends, whose attention spans ranged from “disinterested” to “salivating” based on both their level of intelligence and how sick they were of Joshua’s “relentless dickery”, claiming that he’d never been refused from Berghain. “I don’t even open my mouth at the door, my face says enough,” he explained. “They can spot their own.”
“Much like comedian Karl Marx’s famous joke – they don’t want anyone in the club who actually wants to be in the club, so you desperate looking scenesters totally wouldn’t get in,” he laughed, undermining his friends to feel better about himself. “I get straight in without any fuss because they know I’m cool enough to not even mind if I didn’t get in.”
In spite of how good Berghain is, Joshua claims, he feels it’s not “as good as Burning Man” and now that he’s “comfortable with leather clothes, gayness and techno” he might not go back.
“Although I probably will,” he added. “It’s still much better than all the shit clubs around here.”
“If I never go back though I don’t even think I’d miss it too much,” he concluded. “I’m sort of over it now, I suppose what I’ll miss most is getting back home and talking about it. I also love giving people this superior grimace and condescendingly saying ‘pfffft, you’ve never been to Berghain?’ when they tell me they’ve never been to Berghain. Their faces are so hurt and jealous, I just love it.”
