A raver who has been partying for the last two days is said to be “visibly delighted” at having remembered that he’s actually not in work tomorrow.
A fate which he described as “worse than death” awaited 31 year old Aaron McCormack as he partied into the early hours of Saturday night/Sunday morning before he had the epiphany that he’s “not actually in work tomorrow”.
“I was shitting myself at the prospect of having to cut the three day binge down to a, less fun, two and a half day binge,” explained Aaron. “I was planning on calling in sick so that I didn’t have to go home, but that didn’t offer much relief as I’ve already had three dead grandparents in the last 6 months so a fourth would have been well suspect.”
Aaron was seen to be worried all night and was even contemplating going home early Sunday afternoon, but allegedly said “fuck it” once another 2 bags of coke, 15 pills and 3 grams of ketamine arrived.
“In spite of my conscience and obligation to go home early, so as to be as fresh as possible for work, once the drugs arrived for some reason I just decided I’d soldier on and figure some way to get out of my responsibilities and stay at the party,” explained Aaron. “It’s so hard to get a job these days what with the economy in shit, but that just didn’t enter my head.”
“I was worried about making the dreaded call for hours, constantly repeating my story to get it straight in my head,” continued Aaron who confided that his planned excuse of having explosive diarrhoea was “failsafe” provided he made the correct groaning sounds while dropping dried chunks of porridge into a water filled bucket when on the phone.
“The thoughts of going into work in Primark surrounded by dead-eyed boyfriends being arbitrarily led around by excited girlfriends like a man facing a firing squad almost killed me,” bemoaned Aaron, “until I suddenly remembered that moustache John from work had asked for a swap a few days ago.”
Aaron’s fellow partiers admitted that they knew that he wasn’t scheduled to work tomorrow, but took great pleasure in “winding him up”.
“We just kept saying things like ‘d’ya know what I’d absolutely hate right now?’ and then replying ‘having to work tomorrow’. He hated that,” admitted Aaron’s best mate Paul O’Neill. “The best part was probably the look on his face as he practiced his ‘sick voice’ in the mirror.”
Aaron claims that all the goading and mistakenly believing he had to work was strangely worth it in the end for the rush of endorphins the realisation eventually gave. “I feel more relieved than OJ Simpson,” said an elated Aaron. “I feel like I’ve gained a day so there’s only one thing for it. I’m going to double drop, whip the top off and play Thomas Heckman & Marc Romboy’s Ultravixens on repeat until I sweat blood.”
“The only thing that could make this day better is if I got the ride,” he added.
A not too unrealistic prospect, when pressed on this issue 22 year old Kelly Shorthall had this to say “Aaron’s 31 has a steady job and a car, so yeah I’d say he’s in there, once he doesn’t fall asleep early or piss himself.”
Drugs and work do not mix 🙁