Groundbreaking research released by the University of Auckland this week indicates that popular dance music drug MDMA might have more applications than previously thought, as it was discovered that the drug acts as a cure for a “being a dick” as well as being a potential treatment for tinnitus.
“The research is pretty conclusive,” claimed postdoctoral fellow Daniel Spiegel. “People who take MDMA or ecstasy have experienced a sharp reduction in tinnitus symptoms for the duration of the the drug’s peak effects,” he continued before claiming that these results were observed in a clinical setting and not “when chewing the jaw off yourself in techno-filled rave-hole”.
“It’s pretty interesting and far reaching research,” continued Daniel insisting that curing tinnitus is just the beginning for the drug. “The results also show that those who take MDMA are 100% more likely to be nicer people who are kinder to their fellow man and less likely to be closed minded.”
The research claims that the miracle drug, as well as being a potential treatment for tinnitus and “being a dick”, can also act as a quick cure for bouts of sobriety, with findings suggesting that MDMA can cure a person’s sobriety in “under 30 minutes”, while also being touted by the researchers as “better than alcohol” for both speed of efficacy and “not causing obnoxious and loutish behaviour”.
“There really are no ends to the applications of MDMA,” continued Daniel. “It cures the extremely debilitating condition of tinnitus, but it is its applicability to making people less of a dick that really should be grabbing the headlines.”
“I’ve been a dickhead for years,” announced study participant Alex Connor. “I’ve been working in banking where it’s part of my job to look down on people and fetishise money which makes it pretty necessary for me to treat people, especially women, like soft flannels for wiping shit from my privileged arse.”
“But that City boy attitude and outlook changed after I had my first MDMA experience,” continued Alex. “After taking the drug as part of the trial I immediately took off my tie and wrapped it Rambo-style around my head before engaging in a long yet meandering conversation about how we’re all essentially the same and how karma might actually be a real thing. It was a revelation.”
Alex claims that since taking part in the study he has been “much nicer” to people and approaches the world with an “open-minded conscientiousness” that would previously have been anathema to the “alpha-male polished prick” that he was before.
Further research still needs to be done but Dr. Spiegel claims that he is confident that with more trials he will be able to publish on the efficacy of MDMA for stopping people from “being a dick” suggesting that it could be used to cure any number of dicks around the world like “Piers Morgan, Jeremy Clarkson or Daily Mail readers”.
