Newly separated Coldplay frontman Chris Martin is reportedly “frothing at the mouth” at the prospect of sinking his “teeth into the delicious meaty pocket of a Findus Crispy Pancake” following his breakup with strict vegan Gwyneth Paltrow.
“I’ve not been allowed to have Crispy pancakes ever since I’ve been with Gwyneth,” claimed Chris, as he chewed on a Pepperami. “I’ve been looking forward to this moment for ten years and four thousand bowls of hummus.”
Chris insisted that he won’t stop at Crispy Pancakes but will treat himself to “all sorts of delicious ready meals, hopefully containing horse” and “any kind of meat, so I can savour the delicious taste of dead animal flesh”.
“Frankly I’m sick of the rabbit food fascination,” insisted Chris, who says that he was so enamoured with his wife that he even named his daughter after an apple but insisted that he may now seek to change her name “to something more primal, like steak or offal”.
Chris claimed that he celebrated his separation from Gwyneth with “a classic BLT with added bacon” but won’t stop there and says he is even debating “killing animals for pleasure and wearing fur” now that his ex isn’t there to stop him.
“And not nasty ones either, cute ones, like dolphins and cats,” he added.
“I’ve toured the world, enjoyed immense success and love ever second of it,” concluded Chris, “but I’ve never eaten a Pot Noodle or strangled a squirrel. Thankfully though, now I can, and I fully intend to.”
