Research released today showed that in spite of you trying your best to hide it, everybody that you work with is fully aware that you were out partying for a heavy night of drugs and alcohol and are “still fucked”.
The study suggests that the quick shower you had after 20 minutes of rolling around on your bed is not enough to deter your workmates from rightly suspecting that you’ve been up all night “on a mad one” and still haven’t properly “come down”.
Indicating factors that you’re still “monged” include the smell of booze emanating from every pore in your body, your blotchy and slimy face, massive saucer eyes and the fact that you can’t hold anyone’s gaze for more than a brief millisecond at a time without shifting uneasily.
“They all see the nervous, slightly unsteady gait and smell you and know what a wretched pisshead you are,” claimed the study. “The research also suggests that even though you think you look fine, you definitely don’t and that chewing gum and dousing yourself in deodorant only adds to their conviction that you’re a messed up session head who probably won’t last long in the job.”
The study concluded by saying that the best thing for you to do “is to call in sick to work or else go in full bluster and try to appear energised in spite of your obvious tiredness”, but that even that approach will probably fail because you’re pathetic in the eyes of your co-workers and deserve to be sacked.
“The one thing the report says you should not do is maintain a slightly panicked and anxious demeanour for the day in the hope that people will leave you alone because this will only create nosy faux concern and scorn from your co-workers and draw more attention to your trembling jaw.”
