Paul Sweeney, a thirty eight year old virgin, has made the audacious claim that wanking is just as good as sex.
Sweeney, an amateur science fiction writer, spoke to Wunderground about his recent statement, “Wanking is easily as good, if not better, than sex. I’ve about twenty six years experience now and you know what they say? ‘If you want a job done properly do it yourself’. So that’s exactly what I do.”
“I think one major advantage about wanking is that it doesn’t matter what you’re doing or where you are, as long as you have a public toilet, a bush or a bus shelter you can stroke one out,” claimed the wanker. “Where as with sex you can do it in all of those places, but you need another consensual adult and there isn’t always one of those around.”
“It’s also great because I don’t have to worry about pleasing anyone else,” explained the science fiction fanatic. “If I’m having an off day with my wanking technique, which nearly never happens, I’ll just say ‘fuck it’ and have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich instead, but if you’re having sex with a woman you have to worry about them and their feelings and you’d have to make twice as many sambos. It’s a no-brainer if you ask me.”
“People are always asking me ‘don’t you get bored of wanking?’ and I tell them they’ve obviously never tried moves like the under leg frog hammer or the upside down pelvis crusher.” he said while demonstrating with the flexibility of a contortionist. “I challenge anyone to try one of those moves and tell me wanking’s boring,” argued Mr. Sweeney.
“I might not actually have a woman sucking my cock,” remarked Sweeney, “but if I rotate the palm of my hand around the head of my penis and lightly work the shaft with two well lubed fingers, if feels just like how I imagine an actual blowjob feels.”
“I’m really happy with my wanking at the moment but there may come a day when I’ll want to have sex with a lady,” admitted Mr. Sweeney. “I’ve been holding out for my perfect woman, which is an alien with four tits and two vaginas. I’d probably even go for a cyborg at this stage but with technology and space exploration not as advanced as I had anticipated I may have to settle for one of those life sized sex dolls.”
