A study released today by the Royal Society has concluded that all life on Earth is descended from one common ancestor – BBC hip-hip mouthpiece Tim Westwood.
The discovery of a common ancestor is one that archeologists and biologists have been undertaking since Darwin first proposed his theory of evolution.
“This is literally the last thing we expected to find,” claimed lead researcher Dr. Andrea Cameron from Cambridge University.
“Our studies show that the first life to emerge from the primordial soup was not a single celled simple organism like a eukaryote but lanky, tracksuit wearing, UK DJ Tim Westwood,” explained Dr. Cameron.
“Admittedly we were really, really expecting a single celled organism to be the common thread that binds all life on Earth,” continued Dr. Cameron, “not Britain’s most cringe worthy wigger, but the results are conclusive, every animal alive today is descended from Tim Westwood.”
It is believed that the ancient Tim Westwood may have spoken with a fake Caribbean accent, been nearly seven feet tall and may have communicated using Black-British cultural mannerism, just like the Tim Westwood of today.
“We’ve lost most of those early traits through the process of evolution,” explained Dr. Cameron. “But there are still some of the traits that humans share with Tim Westwood including simple things we all share such as breathing and walking upright as well as a passion for British hip-hop and being vaguely embarrassing in public.”
Scientists claim that having analysed fossil evidence from before the Cambrian they found distinct evidence of DNA that is an exact match for the hip-hop DJ.
“We looked under the microscope expecting to see the fossilised cells of these tiny creatures, but I noticed what looked like a gold chain hanging from the neck of the fossil,” concluded Dr. Cameron. “When I increased the magnification I saw that it was a fossilised Tim Westwood wearing gold medallion over a Chicago Bulls jersey pointing up at me telling me he was going to pimp my ride…I couldn’t believe it.”
So far Mr. Westwood has not commented on him being the patriarch of all animal life, but it is expected that when he does it will be a statement filled with over confident bluster made using outlandish hand gestures and in sentences composed mostly of unintelligible street slang.
