Wundergroundmusic.com gives you a roundup of all the best stories from the last 48 hours to help you ease over the midweek hump…
1. Hipster Overdoses On Own Smugness: Doctors have confirmed that the first ever death from ‘smugness’ took place in Brixton in the early hours of the 12th May.
2. Sébastien Léger Undergoes Surgery To Have Steve Aoki Track Removed From Brain: House star Sébastien Léger has been admitted to hospital after complaining that he has had a Steve Aoki track stuck in his head for the last week which he has described as “living a personal hell” that has caused him to be out of work and contemplate suicide “just to make the pain go away”.
3. Penis Removal Offered With Every Pair Of Colourful Shades: A London sunglasses store is offering all men who purchase shades considered “loud” the option of having their penis fully removed.
4. New Pioneer CDJs To Revolutionise How DJs Press Buttons To Make Music Come Out Of Some Speakers: Wunderground has today recieved reports that the new line of Pioneer CDJs are set to “completely revolutionize the way in which DJs press some buttons to make music come out of some speakers”.
5. Ecstasy User Loses Jaw In Gurning Accident…A young ecstasy user has tragically lost his jaw while taking an “extremely strong batch” of the party drug at a local house party with friends.
6. New Study: Your Ambition To Become A Superstar DJ Is A Pathetic Dream: A new study conducted by the Department of Important Studies has revealed that your DJ aspirations are “a pathetic dream and that you should give up trying immediately”.
7. Beatboxers “ARE ALL FAKING IT”: A shocking report has confirmed the long held suspicion that beatboxers were somehow cheating by making the sounds of music with their mouths claiming that all of them have been faking it the whole time.
8. “BUYING A ROUND OF DRINKS” CONFIRMATION OF MANHOOD: Studies have finally shown conclusively the exact moment when manhood is reached to be “whenever a young man gets his first round of drinks in”…beating even pubes, dropped voices and balls.
9. “Psytrance Heads Come out Of Hibernation For Festival”: There were numerous reported sightings of neon garbed, dreadlocked crusties all over the capital yesterday as the nation’s Psytrance heads finally began to emerge from their winter slumber.
10. Nigella Lawson Dealer Offering 7 Course Drug Tasting Menu: It has today been revealed that the drug dealer who provided cocaine to celebrity chef Nigella Lawson is offering customers an exclusive 7-course drug tasting menu.
11. Man Left Alone With Laptop For Five Minutes Wanks Self Into Coma: A Young man has reportedly “wanked himself into a coma” today after being left alone with a laptop for five minutes. The incident, believed to have taken place this morning while his girlfriend was in the shower, has been described as tragic but completely unexpected by friends and family.
