A report released today has indicated that your current girlfriend totally fancies the arse off the DJ and secretly imagines what it would be like to have sex with him confirming your long held suspicions.
“Your girlfriend, despite insisting that she only has eyes for you, totally thinks the DJ is fuckable,” claimed the report which waited until you were in the toilet before privately asked your girlfriend would she fuck the DJ, to which she responded with a resounding yes.
“From the emphatic nature of her response we estimate that not only does she fancy the DJ but she compares him to you and finds you wanting in departments ranging from style, charisma, looks and hair,” continued the report which insists that your girlfriend, seen here in a sexual fantasy involving her, the DJ and some other women, secretly wishes you were a DJ and is only staying with you out of dull convenience.
“His slick hair, buff tan and fashionable black vest ensure that he’s empirically and objectively better looking than you and probably a better person too,” said the report. “He also probably has a larger, better penis which he uses in a vastly superior way to you.”
It’s not known at this time if your girlfriend would get with him should the opportunity present itself, but sources suggest that even if she had the chance to get with him and turned it down out of respect for your relationship she’d still have the odd wank at the thought of what could have happened, although she more than likely would shag him and the sex would be more amazing than you imagine it to be.
“She may even fantasise about that scenario when she’s in bed with you to help spice up your lacklustre performance and crap penis,” added the report.
It’s believed that your girlfriend probably fancies most DJs, even the ones that are plainly uglier than you, because they’re the center of attention who show some degree of talent and drive whereas you insist on spending your days eating crisps by the multipack, reading fantasy fiction and procrastinating all while your personal hygiene levels sink to levels that her mother has repeatedly described as “abysmal”.
The report concluded by stating that all your long held suspicions about your own inadequacy compared to those more popular and talented than you are true and that, while your girlfriend hasn’t fucked off with someone better yet, she probably will do sooner or later because of your insistence on being a lame, neurotic man-child.
