A DJ from Robson Green in South London has today admitted to breaking breakbeats once and for all. The young man had set about playing the best set he could in a house on Saturday night, and according to eye witness reports, “He smashed it.”
One witness described how the DJ began packing up his gear after the set and unfortunately slipped on a puddle of urine which one attendee had left in the corner of the room. According to the witness, the DJ in question lost his balance and ended up taking the decks with him, causing irreparable damage to himself, the decks and the beats.
Dance music experts are concerned that breakbeats are now broken beyond repair, and claim it is possible that they will never be in a useable condition again.
This has concerned many acts in the world of EDM, with Ed Simons from the Chemical Brothers being the first to comment. “What a jacksass. We need the beats to be in some kind of working order so that we can use them. This maverick has completely destroyed the concept for the new album, in much the same way that Simon Cowell is destroying music as a concept.”
He continued, “People have already deconstructed breakbeats enough. I mean, the ‘Amen Break’ has been fucked with to the point of it being unrecognisable. Drum and Bass saw to that.”
He then lamented the loss of groove to the album, “We’ve tried to use 808’s and 909’s to replace the drums on the album, but we’re now left with this stale, blocky sound. The groove has been lost. Possibly forever,” he said whilst throwing his hands in the air melodramatically, one of which was holding a skull for greater emotional impact.
However, the move has been welcomed by certain purists who “think that music was at its best in the 1980’s”. These purists have since been incarcerated for crimes against music and good taste.
The DJ who was responsible for the broken breakbeats is now said to have fully recovered from his fall, however it would seem his accident has left him shaken. In a statement made today from his hospital bed he claimed responsibility for the awful tragedy, “I want to apologise to everyone effected by this event. There is no excuse for it. I am the only one to blame. Apart, maybe, from the person who left the puddle of piss behind the decks.”
He continued, “I have bought some superglue from the hospital shop and will set about putting the beats back together for future generations. We have been reusing these beats for years now, and I don’t want to be responsible for their absence.”
Unfortunately, the young DJ is now addicted to hospital grade glue, which he has been using to “put back together the pieces of his life after that awful night.”
Fucking Shame!!! =(