A young, fake tanned 25 year old college dropout, Tom Blakely, who enjoys being the center of attention at all times in spite of his crippling lack of anything resembling a personality, has today finally settled on what he feels will be the perfect career for him – full time DJ.
Tom has struggled for years to find a job that allows him to fully explore and utilise his natural arrogant dickheadedness but feels that DJing might suit his inflated ego more than any other job except perhaps “police officer, politician or footballer”.
“I’ve tried so many jobs at this point but none of them have felt as right for me as being a DJ does,” claimed Tom who cites previous stints as a banker, alternative model and personal trainer as formative to his decision to become a DJ.
“In all of those jobs I was earning money or I was being fawned over by admirers for my minimal talent,” continued Tom, who openly admits to waxing his chest, cites Cristiano Ronaldo as a lifestyle guru and wouldn’t feel bad if he had to kill a family pet for success or pleasure, “but with DJing I feel like I’ve combined my two biggest thrills – money and getting attention.”
“As someone who likes to get attention for very little talent I think becoming a DJ could be the perfect move for me,” he continued while staring into his own reflection. “I already own several black wife beaters and have an inflated sense of my own abilities so it seems like a natural fit.”
Tom, who discovered deep house last year after one of his occasional fucks told him how it was great work out music, has begun actively trying to become a DJ by downloading a cracked version of Traktor, studying videos of Boiler Room and purchasing some Beats by Dre headphones.
“DJing isn’t actually that hard, the technology does all the work for you,” he claimed, “all I do is pick the tracks from whatever is popular and stand behind the desk with my buff arms in the air so people can see my tattoos and slick hipster hairdo.”
“I think a career as a DJ is perfect for Tom,” claimed Tom’s friend or ‘bro’ Dan. “He’s always the guy who talks over people, only talks to people who can further his career, and cares more about his looks than having a personality – so being a DJ will be easy for him.”
Tom has already been booked to play at his local nightclub and is thinking of setting up a DJing school where he’ll be offering students advice on how to make it as a DJ in today’s environment – mainly stage persona, fashion tips and social media strategy or “the big three for modern DJs”.
