In a move which has left the EDM community both surprised and elated, Eric Prydz has announced his retirement from music today. The statement, which was made whilst he lounged languidly in a bath of Cristal and Mink milk, is believed to have been prompted by recent accusations that his set at Ultra was boring due to the lack of hot women dancing to it – like in all his videos.
“For too long I’ve focused on my music,” he said. “I put so much time into choosing the right outfit for gigs, shining my shoes so that I could see my face in them and preening myself so that I looked good… I had no time left for myself.”
He moved a gold plated rubber duck to one side and continued, “I’ve amassed a small fortune which I now plan to spend. This morning, as I ate my Faberge eggs, sunny side up, the thought occurred to me – I might only have thirty or forty more years to spend this pile of cashmoney. So from here on in, it’s diamond coats and fur necklaces for me.”
A spokesperson for his record company, Pryda, had this to say, “We really don’t give a shit. I’ve heard Call On Me so many times that I’ve considering calling on a hitman to take Prydz out. It’s mandatory listening in the office, because Prdyz prides himself on him being him. But Prydz comes before a fall,” he said, laughing to himself whilst everyone else looked on dumbfounded at the spectacularly banal joke he had just made.
Prydz has amassed a fortune with the help of bare asses, and showed a profound sense of self awareness when he said, “I really think the asses in my video were the reason it succeeded. I’m not deluded, I know they had a huge part to play. So I’m considering taking up pimping instead. It seems to be where the money’s at. I think I’ll call the venture Call Girl On Me. It’s about as catchy as the song itself.”
Prydz stared down at his reflection in the bath and continued, “After my incredibly boring set at Ultra 2014, I think I should definitely consider a new career,” he said, whilst beckoning to a small Indian boy to fan him with a large leaf. “I mean, let’s face it. I’ve milked Call On Me for all it’s worth.”
The announcement has been largely welcomed by the EDM community and lovers of good music everywhere, however, the international pimping community has released a statement that he may suffer an “oops upside his head” should he pursue his new career.
We can only hope…
