Experts have warned today that e-cigarettes, despite their potential to help people quit smoking, are not as cool as actually having cancer.
The research claims that having life threatening cancer actually makes you cooler and more attractive than a person smoking an e-cigarette among 89% of the population – many of whom claim that smoking an e-cigarette makes you look like a futuristic yoga teacher playing a smoking tin whistle and that at least cancer patients “haven’t bottled it” and even though they have cancer “at least they’ve earned it”.
“On a coolness scale, or coolometer, cancer rates two while e-cigarettes languish in bottom place on one – alongside friction burns, rain on holidays and Noel Edmonds,” claimed the doctor in charge of the research, Walter Blisk, a self proclaimed arbiter of cool.
“They might save lives but they won’t save face,” he continued. “Frankly I’d rather I died of cancer than smoked one of those smoke emitting pregnancy tests. If you’re going to quit smoking then quit, don’t go around sucking on a futuristic pen and try to maintain that you’re the height of urban cool.”
“Cancer is well cooler than e-cigs, you really can’t beat the gasping, coughing laugh of a stage 3 lung cancer sufferer,” he laughingly added, “and that cool little oxygen tank they have to drag around at all times so that they don’t suffocate and die. That shit is cool as fuck.”
“Put it this way, how uncool would the TV show Mad Men or any film made before 1980 be if everyone was smoking e-cigarettes in them instead of giving themselves cancer by smoking cigarettes the traditional way,” he concluded. “Sure some of those actors might still be with us today having not died prematurely due to an inability to breathe but they probably wouldn’t have been cool in the first place.”
