Britain’s favourite fitness guru, Mr. Motivator, has been arrested today after being found in possession of a class A substance with intent to supply in the steam room at his local gym/house where he was busy doing squats to the sound of SL2’s On A Ragga Tip.
The Jamaican-born exercise instructor, real name Derrick Evans, who became famous through his motivational aerobics on British morning television, was first spotted behaving unusually at 5.00am in a West London borough displaying unnaturally hyperactive behaviour which witnesses described specifically as “hypnotising buttock shaking” and “aggressive thigh slapping” complete with alarming cries of “Mr Motivator in the house”.
Police shortly arrived on the scene but the spandex clad sports pimp evaded officers by leaping one handed over back garden fences in the direction of his home.
Police managed to catch up to him some time later and once the fitness fanatic was restrained, a full body search was conducted which found him to be in possession of excessive amounts of an illegal class A substance known as motivation.
Mother of two, Shanice, made the call to the police after Mr Motivator had begun banging on her front door and screaming through her letter box.
“It was terrifying, for me and my children,” says Shanice, still clearly traumatised. “To have a physically imposing man, dressed in bright spandex, banging on your door and shouting ‘WHIP THE HORSE’ at five in the morning was unlike anything I had ever experienced.”
“And I’ve been to Berghain,” she added.
Some of Mr. Motivator’s best clients, who wish to remain anonymous, are unhappy that he is now likely to face a prison sentence as it cuts off their own supply of motivation.
“I’ve been on his stuff for nearly ten years now,” says one customer. “Without Derrick to sort me out with some high-grade motivation, I don’t know how I’m going to even get out of bed for work in the morning – let alone perk myself up for a 48hour weekend bender.”
It is believed that Mr. Motivator is one of Britain’s most prominent dealers of the highly sought after drug which is in peak demand amongst users suffering from a weekend hangover on a Monday morning or Wednesday if you’re Scottish, and Thursday evenings for those who insist Thursday is the new Friday but require that little bit of extra motivation to go out.
Following the news of the arrest, Rob Da Bank has admitted he may be forced to cancel this year’s Bestival where Mr. Motivator was due to perform. In a statement, the festival’s curator has said:
“We are sad to hear that our good friend Mr. Motivator is likely to face a lengthy prison sentence and is certain not to perform for us this year. Furthermore it seems that we may be forced to cancel this year’s Bestival due to the high demand for motivation by our punters for which we are now unable to supply.”
Rob Da Bank finished by pleading, “If anyone knows a dealer who can supply some decent motivation for a mass crowd then please put him in touch with us.”
