EDM Fan Angry That Time Warp Netherlands Lineup Contains “No Big Name DJs”

A young EDMer, Marshall Glenn, from Miami has been left confused and angry after observing that the Timewarp Netherlands lineup contains none of his EDM heroes.

“I heard that it’s supposed to be one of the best EDM fests around, sort of like a smaller version of Tomorrowland,” explained Marshall, who cites his attendance at EDC, Ultra and a trip to Las Vegas as proof of his underground dance music credentials.

“But, when I saw the lineup there was nobody recognisable on it, none of the big names that have revolutionised dance music were there,” continued the exasperated young man. “Names like David Guetta, Martin Garrix and Tiësto were replaced by absolute embarrassing nobodies like Chris Liebing, Robert Hood and Marcel Fengler…who even are they?”

Marshall says that, having been told that the Time Warp events are some of the best dance music events in the world, he expected to find the lineup populated by EDM stalwarts like Hardwell, Nervo and Above & Beyond but in their absence he’s come to the unavoidable conclusion that “Time Warp is obviously not dance music”.

“I even scrolled through some lineups from previous years and again there was nobody on it that I knew,” he continued. “I’m just shocked that people consider these jokers the best acts to perform at a dance music event when I don’t even know who they are.”

“I listened to some of the tracks by Sven Väth, whoever he is, and it’s just rumbling, repetitive nonsense,” he added. “There’s no angelic vocals, no brain-rattling, effects-laden builds, and certainly no drops…it just wasn’t dance music basically.”

Marshall claimed that the ticket price to Time Warp added proof to his belief that “it wasn’t a proper showcase for the best dance music talent” as the price for admission “was crazy low, something like €99 for a backstage premium ticket…and no wonder, considering there’s nobody with whom to take a selfie or do heart hands except for the amateurs on the lineup”.

“When I raged at Ultra this summer, I dropped a cool $3,000 on champagne, branded merch and molly. That’s how you know a party is proper balling.”

A visibly angered Marshall said that he now has no plans to attend Time Warp and will concern himself only with the best dance music festivals – “the ones that have Calvin Harris rightfully on the main stage” – and plans to track  down the guy who recommended Time Warp as the best dance event on the planet and “kindly tell him that he obviously knows nothing about dance music and should probably stick to the weird, depressing, avant garde noise crap that Karenn calls dance music”.