“100% Of People Who Smoke Weed Will Die” Warns Anti-Drugs Activist

Miles B. Hinde, an anti-drugs activist from Lincoln, Nebraska, has silenced America’s pro-weed community by stating that one hundred percent of people who smoke weed will, at some stage in their lives, die.

The news comes as a major shock to the majority of the nation’s stoners who, up until now, have lived in perfect ignorance to the impending death associated with smoking the “satanic demon weed”.

According to Mr. Hinde, recreational weed use is likely to accelerate the aging process by as much as zero point one percent, thus increasing the likelihood of death amongst users by anything up to one billion percent.

“It’s no secret that every single person who smokes weed will definitely die,” claimed the anti-drugs campaigner at a recent concerned parents’ meeting. “We’re simply trying to highlight the fact and bring it into the public domain to sufficiently scare young and impressionable white citizens out of taking up smoking it.”

“The statistics speak for themselves,” continued Mr. Hinde, the self professed saviour of the mid-upper-lower-middle-class. “We tested the corpses of twenty people who had smoked weed and every single one of them were dead and had traces of weed in their blood stream. That’s according to science, which is never wrong, apart from when I’m talking about creationism.”

Chad Marshall, a Californian surfer who supports a staggering $50 a week weed prescription through working part time on a juice stand, has indicated that he only took up smoking weed because he thought it would give him “gnarly powers” like “being able to fly” and “stop bullets and oncoming traffic and shit” with the power of his brain, and is now considering quitting because “nobody mentioned anything about dying”.

“That’s totally frickin unradical dude,” shouted a frustrated Marshall. “I’ve smoked pot for like a hundred fricken years and now you’re telling me I’m going to die. Godamnit! My doctor’s going to be hearing about this the next time I go in to get my prescription for chronic boredom renewed.”

“I always thought the C-man would be rag dolled in an awesome tube or wiped out by a shark or something cool,” he dejectedly continued referring to himself in the third person, “but death by pot, that’s totally fricken lame, I haven’t even gone green since I was like thirteen and now that shit’s gonna kill me. That’s not cool man.”

Weed activists have moved quickly to rubbish Mr. Hinde’s comments, labeling them as little more than a “scaremongering tactic” but have admitted that a number of people, mostly those brought up on the “ultra-conservative right wing piss-drivel spouted by god fearing politicians”, will ultimately fall for his nonsense.