Scientists Find Cure For Being A Hardwell Fan

Scientists from the Deft Ridge Institute of Modern Medicine have confirmed today that they have finally found a cure for liking Hardwell.

Head of the research team, Professor Donald Rumpp, confirmed the find today and asked for the pubic to remain calm while the new drug is synthesized claiming that all those who currently find Hardwell’s “music” “listenable” will soon be given the care they need.

“There’ll be enough for everyone suffering from this awful affliction,” he confirmed.  “Never again will those of you who have to bear this tragic illness have to listen to Arcadia or thinking to yourself that he’s DJ Mag’s number one DJ in the world so he must be good.”

The announcement was met with an international celebration with people everywhere uniting in the joy of having the filthy little shit-monkey off their backs and the freedom to no longer listen to sub-par big room tripe designed for the amusement of teenagers.

One Hardwell fan from the United States, Griff Lipps, had this to say, “I’ve had to listen to this shit for over a year now. It was a dark time in my life. You have no idea how painful it is to listen to Spaceman a few times a day. It’s like having Hardwell himself inserted into your ass in a public place. It’s uncomfortable and slightly embarrassing.”

“I once had someone come up to me on the bus and say ‘Is that Hardwell you’re listening to?’” said Mr. Lipps, looking down at his feet.  “I said ‘Yes’, and he just punched me square in the jaw.  It was a fair reaction, I suppose.”

Professor Donald Rumpp has confirmed that that the miracle cure will be available in the coming weeks, just in time for Hardwell’s dates in the Netherlands and the US.  “You don’t need to thank me,” said Professor Rumpp today.  “Just give me your money, that’s all the thanks I need.”

According to preliminary reports, the treatment consists of a drug known only as X24601, which many believe to be a potent form of acid which causes the realisation in the user that the music Hardwell makes is so bad, it should never be listened to. This miracle drug is taken in a controlled space where Orbital is pumped in at mind-bending volume, causing the patient to understand just how good electronic music can be.