A report published today has claimed that sharing bags of cocaine with work colleagues has been officially recognised as the world’s most effective team building exercise.
In order to be placed in the top spot doing cocaine with people you work with beat paintballing, go-karting and banging each other as the quickest and most successful way for people who barely know each other to enjoy working together.
“There’s very few things in the world that create a stronger bond than standing in a cramped toilet with another person snorting white powders off the tip of a key,” claimed management consultant Alex Harris who specialises in team building. “I’ve been recommending that clients snort coke together for years and have seen some great results.”
“It’s a well known fact that people on coke are four thousand times more productive than normal people,” he added.
“It’s a time honored tradition undertaken by bankers, lawyers, politicians, singers…everyone basically,” he continued. “Even team building experts like myself do it so you know it totally works.”
“It can work out expensive but people who spend a night doing cocaine together feel more like a team than their counterparts who may have taken part in a similar cocaine free outing like bowling or hiking,” he added.
According to the report the sharing of the drug causes a bond among people which allows them to confide their innermost desires and dreams like cycling the Great Wall of China, writing a screenplay or growing your own fruit and vegetables.
“Whatever crackpot pipe dream you share with a person while snorting cocaine is enough to bond you and that person together forever,” concluded Alex. “Regardless of how embarrassingly impossible it may be.”
The study also claimed that people who share spliffs are more likely to stay friends for longer and that buying a round of drinks cements friendships quicker than loyalty, common interests and age combined.
