Middle-aged employers across Britain are convinced all the music on Radio One is dubstep.
Senior manager Chris Stone, who calls you mate, said: “Heard the new record by that Dr. Green? My kids love it – they’ve been getting really into their dubstep. It’s quite good.
“Zane Lowe plays it. He’s one of the famous dubstep DJs.”
The phenomenon first emerged when Sandra Turner, an HR manager from Nuneaton, was overheard telling her colleagues about the wedding she’d been to at the weekend where the DJ played “all the modern stuff – you know, that dubstep”.
Jake Jones, a 24-year-old former dubstep DJ, said: “I’ve had to start telling people at work I mix ‘electronic stuff’ and then get vague when they ask what sort, or mumble something about bass and pretend I need to piss.
“I’m going to the toilet so much people probably think I’m addicted to wanking.”
The source of the misunderstanding appears to be bands that were popular in the eighties who, although now reduced to cocaine-ravaged husks, have been convinced by Jools Holland and record
label accountants that they are still relevant to life in the 21st century.
Attempts to bleed money out of these syphilitic yester-fucks have resulted in phrases such as “we went a bit dubstep on the new record” and “Keith the engineer did a sort of dubstep thing on the
chorus. It’s what people like”.
Reports Gary Barlow is looking to get a Boiler Room set have been met with a mixture of derision and fury online. Forum user ‘Ketty_Spitlicker’ commented: “I’m going to shred that fat bastard’s fingers in a food processor if he ever even blinks at a pair of Technics.”
Furtive dubstep enthusiast and junior accounts executive Tom Reynolds, who has started pretending he likes musical theatre, said: “My darkest moment was when my boss, who wears those tinted glasses and looks like he’s suffering from radiation poisoning, found out what ‘German Whip’ meant and started popping gunfingers out of his VW Passat as he pulled into the car park.
“Then he told everyone in the office he thinks ‘those black dubstep rappers’ are ‘really mental’ and looked at me as if I agreed.”
