Scottish EDM superstar and lump of DJ-shaped, money-absorbent, manflesh, Calvin Harris, has agreed to play a one off free gig in New York’s Central Park, when pigs fly.
Harris, who spends up to five hours a day counting money, offhandedly agreed to play the gig during a conversation about “working class people and their odours” with fellow Scottish millionaire and potential father Duncan Bannatyne.
Harris fans all over the United States are believed to be hugely excited at the prospect of seeing their favourite human puppet play a free gig, many of whom have been sitting by their bedroom windows eagerly watching for flying pigs since the news broke early yesterday morning.
John, a nine-year-old school boy from Sussex County, New Jersey, spoke of his excitement earlier, “It’s brilliant, I can’t wait to see Calvin play, he’s my favourite after Ben 10 and Bart Simpson. I’ve asked Mammy to take me to his show loads of times before but I can’t go cause it’s really expensive, she says you’d have to a millionaire to go to one of those.”
However, evolutionary biologist, Dr. Martin Nilstrom, has warned that Harris’s promise could be hollow after revealing that the evolutionary process is too slow for anyone alive today to still be alive to witness the unlikely event of pigs actually flying.
“The power of flight is unfortunately beyond pigs at the moment,” confirmed Nilstrom this morning. “While the delicious meat products we associate with the animals make our taste buds and cholesterol levels soar, pigs themselves lack wings or the opposable thumbs needed to pilot a jet pack, so it’s very unlikely we’ll be seeing them fly anytime soon.”
“The evolutionary process of pigs developing wings would theoretically take hundreds of millions of years,” continued the doctor, who has become known as “Party Pooper Numero Uno” in online Calvin Harris fan groups. “Unfortunately, unless all his money can give him everlasting life, by that time Harris, along with the rest of us, will be long dead and nothing more than insignificant specks on the relentless conveyor belt of time.”
Harris, who recently signed a record breaking residency with Hakkasan worth a staggering $400,000 a show, has yet to comment on the issue although it is believed that he’s sitting in a castle laughing about it with people he pays to be his friends.
In related news bacon prices are at an all time high after a large number of pigs were reportedly killed by “Red Bull poisoning” as a result of children all over America filling troughs with the energy drink in an attempt to give their pigs wings.
What are yu talking abut?? pigs are extincxt