The concerned parents of a Cardiff teenager are reportedly angry that their youngest daughter Alice is spending all of her time secluded in her room playing turntables that they bought her as a Christmas gift.
Debbie and Graham Jones claim that they bought their shy, bright daughter the turntables after she expressed an interest in dance music as a way to bring her out of her shell.
“Now she’s too far out of the shell, I think we need to put her back in,” raged Graham. “All this music is is ‘thump thump thump’ through the walls like a horse having sex with a bed. It’s awful.
“Her room is now just a storage facility for vinyls, full ashtrays and empty cans of Tango,” continued Graham. “She used to have Barbies and hairbrushes but they’ve been replaced by record sleeves and a sweaty smell.”
“Within a month she’s morphed from a sweet girl into a 45-year-old club veteran,” added Debbie. “I wish we never bought her those bloody turntables. She’s probably not even studying and taking part in sports – which we all know are essential for cementing a degree of unfussy normativity in young people.£
“I want my daughter back before she fails at school and has to trick her fanny on the streets for drug money,” she exaggerated.
“The music isn’t my bag, it’s so much more aggressive than Patsy Kline,” offered Graham. “If it was that she was playing all day I wouldn’t mind, country music with its alcoholism, spousal abuse and racism is perfectly acceptable for a young mind, not like this dancing music they have now.”
Alice claims that her parents are overreacting and that she tried to reassure and explain to them the beauties of dance music by playing them a copy of Aphex Twin’s Drukqs which she said “didn’t go well” after her Dad became visibly upset at how little he could relate to the complex music.
“They basically described it as the sound of a computer being raped by an especially horny and unforgiving alien and left the room,” claimed Alice who insists that despite her parents misgivings she’ll continued DJing. “I thought the description was quite apt and will use it in any Pitchfork reviews of Aphex’s work that I might do in the future if the DJing doesn’t work out.”
“I didn’t expect this,” concluded Graham, “when you see them DJing on telly they seem like such nice fellas, that Calvin Harris fella never looks like he’s neglecting himself for his DJing. He always looks relaxed and well presented, as if it’s just a public appearance and not actual work.”
