The number of young people claiming to be deep house DJs has tapered off in the last couple of months as the drought of good quality ketamine continues.
“This time last year, there was thousands of people dropping deep house mixes – largely consisting of crossover hits – and claiming they were deep house DJs,” claimed a deep house expert. “But this year, the number of Instagrammed photos of v-neck clad, tanned guys posing next to their decks has dropped dramatically.”
Reports claim that as many as 257,000 deep house DJs, who proved their deep pedigree by sourcing tracks exclusively from Hot Creations and openly displaying tribal tattoos, have since the ketamine shortage hit, begun to abandon their deep house pretensions.
“I got into deep house after listening to a Deep House compilation with a bag of shardy ket and a vacuous party girl back in September,” claimed deep house DJ Calvin Browne. “It was such a cool genre then, the fashion, the gym membership, the mind bending psychotropics – it had everything.”
“The music was amazing too,” he gushed. “Well, it was alright so long as you had a couple of WKDs in you, a bag of nose wobble in your back pocket and the adoration of people who don’t know better.”
“That’s all in the past now though cause I haven’t been able to source any ket for the last few month’s so the scene is dying,” he lamented. “I’ve been smoking loads of skunk though so might start producing panic-laden, white hip-hop and become an MC.”
“It should be easy because the wardrobe isn’t too different,” he added.
Analysts have suggested that the number of self-proclaimed deep house DJs will continue to fall unless the ketamine shortage is addressed.
“Although one knock-on effect is that more young DJs will take ecstasy and start playing tracks that actually go somewhere and caring more about creating a good atmosphere with music,” claimed a scene expert. “Rather than swaying behind the decks, flailing a hand when the foghorn drop comes in and keeping the room as steadily energetic as a sloth having a massage.”
“We might even see drum & bass make a resurgence in the mainstream,” he added. “Even if it is among scene hoppers just hoping to stand out.”
Read: Hipsters Distance Themselves From Deep House Claiming It Is “Too Popular”
More: Police Alert Over Super Strong Ketamine Made For Dinosaurs
Stuff: Brian Cox: My Ketamine Shame
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Seriously what is nose wobble, I love that term though.
I’ve heard of wobble… But not nose wobble.