Vile harpy, courter of needless controversy and ironic body shamer, Katie Hopkins, is set to replace Kanye West at Glastonbury following the success of a petition to have the much maligned rapper removed.
The petition against Kanye West having a Glastonbury slot on the grounds of him being too “egotistical and maniacal” was established by Neil Lonsdale, a man whose egotistical and maniacal opinion about Mr. West has now forced people to bow to the petulant whims of a dissatisfied muppet as he throws his toys out of the pram because he doesn’t agree with something that has absolutely nothing to do with him – a lot like Kanye West.
Hopkins name was reportedly thrown into the hat as a replacement for West despite her having no discernable talent for singing, music or being a basically decent human being, when other potential replacements like Vladimir Putin, David Guetta and The Kaiser Chiefs were mooted as “not likeable enough”.
Despite her massive, massive, massive shortcomings and unsuitability Hopkins is still proving a more popular choice than Kanye West – whose announcement as a headliner caused the petition to be circulated gaining thousands of signatures.
“If it was a choice between Kanye West, doing his rapping and talking about how many coins he has and how he’s bigger than Nasdaq, and Katie Hopkins daubing portly people with tar and feathers while repeatedly calling them fat cunts, I’d pick Katie,” claimed petition organiser and man with no understanding of irony, Neil Lonsdale. “At least her act, of being a willfully controversial cretin with an axe to grind, has a place at Glastonbury – following people like Bob Geldof, Lars Ulrich, and to a lesser extent, Morrissey.”
Hopkins, who famously has, em, we’re thinking, em, launched a career out of being an entitled posh, cunt who secretly loathes herself and once lost on reality TV show in 2009, is delighted to given the opportunity to play at Glastonbury.
She took to her Twitter to say how she couldn’t wait to take to the iconic Pyramid Stage where she’ll perform a two and a half hour denunciation of the spirit of goodwill, charity and freedom that Glastonbury represents while simultaneously praising their corporate sponsors.
“I can’t wait to look down on all those feckless workshy plebs and deny climate change, and the dedicate my set to The Daily Mail and tighter immigration controls on fat Muslims,” she harped. “I’ll also be on the lookout for a certain Mr. Billy Bragg so I can ignore his reasoned, well thought-out arguments on the political landscape and make ad hominem attacks on how he dresses or his background.”
Despite her total lack of qualification as a legitimate person who you’d want to ever want to spend some hours with, the busybodies making their petition to remove Kanye are adamant she’s a better choice.
“It’ll still probably be better than having a rapper, who doesn’t even play a guitar but just raps, play on the main stage,” concluded Neil Lonsdale, who knows in his heart that it’s not and that, much like Katie Hopkins, he’s a being a terrified conservative dimwit lashing out at any change to his perceived values.
